A second chance
by Anne Bensler
Summary: The story is set mid-season 17. Olivia Benson is now a lieutenant. One day a visitor comes into the squad room, looking for Olivia. It is Kathleen Stabler ... Read on to find out what happens next. Will Olivia see Elliot again?
1. Chapter 1: Kathleen

**Hello fellow SVU addicts, this is my first fanfic. Setting is somewhere mid season 17. I started writing after season 16. The story is coming along nicely and I promise I will finish it! Will upload 2 chapters to begin with, would love some feedback.**

 **PS. English is not my first language so any constructive feedback about my vocabulary and grammar is welcomed!**

A young woman walked into the squad room. She looked around hesitantly, looking at the people at the desks of the Special Victims Unit one by one. A lot of them were out.

Amanda Rollins got up to greet her. 'Hi honey, can I help you?'

'I hope so,' the girl answered. 'I am looking for Olivia Benson. She still works here, right?'

'Yeah, she does,' Amanda replied. 'She's in her office. Let me take you to her.'

They walked to Liv's office together and Amanda told Liv she had a visitor.

Liv looked up from her computer screen and held her breath for an instance when she saw who her visitor was. Her stomach dropped but she quickly shook off her initial shock to get up and greet the young woman.

'Kathleen! I haven't seen you in years!'

'Hello Olivia. Yes, it has been a long time ...'

They hugged and Liv invited Kathleen to sit down, while nodding to Amanda that she could close the door on her way out.

'So you're in charge here now?' Kathleen observed.

'Yes, I am ... who would have thought, right?' Liv laughed. 'But I am doing okay, actually.'

'I am sure you are being too modest.'

Kathleen seemed a bit nervous and Liv asked her if she was okay.

Kathleen nodded. 'Yes, I am fine but ... well, my mom sent me here.'

'How is your mother?'

'Actually, she is not well at all.'

Kathleen's eyes teared up and Liv put her hand on the girl's knee.

'She's not? What is wrong with her?'

All kinds of thoughts were tumbling around in her head while she waited for Kathleen to explain. What was going on with Kathy and why had she sent Kathleen to talk to her? And how was he ...

Kathleen took a deep breath, clearly struggeling with the awful truth: 'Mom was diagnosed with cancer last year and she is now in the final stages ... she was sent home last week to die there.'

'Oh my God ...' Liv gasped and she felt a huge lump forming in her throat. This was horrible, such an enormous blow to the whole Stabler family. Her heart went out to Elliot and with difficulty she finally asked his daughter how he was taking it.

'Dad? He is trying to stay strong for all of us, especially for Eli. But he is hurting, obviously. We all are. But you know, we all have our own lives too, except for Eli of course. He's just turning 9 this year. We will all miss our mother, but it will be the hardest on him and dad.'

They sat in silence together for a few minutes. Kathleen was calm again now that the difficult words had been said and Liv was taking in what all of this meant.

Finally she asked why Kathy had sent her daughter to meet with her.

'She would like to talk to you, that's all she said. She sent me to ask if you would come with me to see her.'

'Right now?'

Liv quickly checked her watch and got up, while trying to keep from trembling too much. She had enough time to meet Kathy before she had to pick up Noah at the day care centre.

Kathleen got up as well. 'It would be great if you could come right away. We don't know how much time mom has left ...'

Liv nodded and put on her coat. 'No problem.'

As they walked from her office into the squad room, Fin and Carisi were just returning from an interview with a witness in one of their cases.

'Fin, I have to step out for a while. You're in charge. Don't burn the house down, okay?'

'Sure thing boss,' Fin replied. Then he looked at the young woman Liv was leaving with. She waved at him while they hurried out.

'You know her?' Amanda asked.

'Yeah ... that's one of Stabler's kids ...' Fin said with a frown. 'What did she want?'

'I don't know. She asked to see Liv and now they are leaving together,' Amanda replied.

The detectives were left wondering what was going on.

They drove to the Stabler residence in separate cars and alone in her car, Liv tried to gather her thoughts and make sense of all the emotions that were surfacing now that she was probably going to see Elliot again after almost five years. To see him again was stressful enough, but now his wife was dying ... She pushed away the thoughts of new possibilities resulting from this situation - now was definitely not the time to reassess her feelings for her former partner. If anything, he would be needing her right now, not the other way around.


	2. Chapter 2: Kathy

2.

Her knees were shaking when she got out of her car and walked up to the front door with Kathleen. Kathleen used her key to open the door and they entered the house. The silence in the house was almost devout and they automatically whispered while taking off their coats and entering the living room.

'Dad is running errands and he took Eli with him. It's just us for now.' Kathleen said.

Liv nodded, then looked at the hospital bed that had been placed near the living room window. Kathy looked even more frail than Liv remembered, with hardly any color left on her cheeks. She had her eyes closed and her eyelids were dark. She opened her eyes and slowly turned her head towards them when she heard them come in.

'You came ...' she said softly.

'Of course I came,' Liv replied, still whispering. Kathleen pulled up a chair for her and Liv took Kathy's small hand in hers while she sat down. Kathleen went into the kitchen to make some tea.

'I am so sorry to hear about your illness Kathy ...' Liv sighed while tears filled her eyes.

Kathy smiled, a resigned smile. She was already coming to terms with the fact that she was going to die soon.

'I am not going to beat around the bush Olivia. I asked you to come because I need a favour from you.'

'Anything I can do Kathy.'

'I need you to look out for Elliot when I'm gone. You know him and you will know how to support him, to help him get on with his life. I need you to promise me you will be here for him.'

She wasn't kidding when she said she would not beat around the bush!

Liv's stomach was churning while she took in what it would mean if she would honour Kathy's last request. But the biggest question that surfaced was: would he want her to help him?

'Kathy,' she finally said, 'I haven't seen Elliot in over four years. I never heard from him again. I'm not sure he would want me here ...'

Kathy smiled again, and squeezed her hand.

'I am sure he will. Olivia, I know how he feels about you. He has missed you very much.'

Liv noticed that it was difficult for Kathy to speak but she needed to know more. He had missed her? So why hadn't he contacted her or returned her calls? They could have kept in touch after his resignation. How did he feel about her then?

'Elliot will explain all that to you. Don't worry.' Kathy whispered.

'Does he know you sent for me?'

'No, he doesn't ... Promise me please, Olivia.'

Liv closed her eyes for a moment and a single tear ran down her cheek. She looked at Kathy again, who was clearly eager to hear her response.

'I will support him if he will let me,' she finally promised.

Kathleen came in with the tea, and they sat in silence for a while. Kathy had closed her eyes and seemed to be sleeping.

'Are you all right?' Kathleen asked Liv. 'You look very pale.'

She was feeling very shaky and overwhelmed by the situation, Kathy's request and her own promise, but she nodded. 'I'll be fine.'

She sipped her tea while fighting back the tears that were trying to come out. She was so confused and wanted to run outside and scream at the top of her lungs. In stead, she sat quietly, holding all of her emotions inside.

She wasn't just sad about Kathy's illness. All the pain of the past years, missing El so much, needing him in the darkest time of her life and not having him there, and then wanting to share her joy about adopting Noah with him, came flooding back and she felt like she was drowning.

Then Kathy, eyes still closed, said: 'Elliot's home.'

Liv thought she was going to explode.


	3. Chapter 3: Elliot

**I just joined this site and had no idea this was such an active place! Thanks for all your reviews and follows. I will be off the grid for a week after today so I thought I'd post chapter 3 right away. I have about 10 prewritten so don't worry, it will continue. Reviews and comments are welcome! Rating will stay K+ for now ...**

3.

She could hear Elliot and Eli being silly in the kitchen while they apparently were putting away the groceries. Then they went quiet and came into the living room. Eli ran right past her to greet his big sister but Elliot froze when he saw his former partner sitting at his wife's bedside. Liv wasn't sure what she was feeling, suddenly seeing him again. Her head was spinning with confusion. She had been disappointed, angry, sad, and she had felt utterly betrayed. But the intensity of all those emotions had subsided over time and she didn't know what she was feeling now. And what could he be thinking, seeing her so unexpectedly?

She hesitated but then felt a gentle nudge against her arm. She looked at Kathy, who said: 'Go on ... go to him.'

She got up, encouraged by Kathy's approval and started walking towards Elliot.

'Liv ...'

'El ...'

He glanced past her at Kathy for a second. Kathy smiled and he quickly took the final steps to reach Liv and take her in his arms.

'I can't believe you're here,' he whispered in her neck while she returned his warm hug. They held each other tight for what seemed to be an eternity and she could not contain her tears anymore. She found herself sobbing on his shoulder, and then she noticed he was crying as well. Under these very difficult circumstances all her questions had disappeared for the moment. But there were other people in the room to consider. They looked at each other and started wiping off each others tears. She could not help laughing softly and he smiled at her. Oh, that smile ... she almost burst into tears again but managed to keep it together. She took a deep breath, then turned around to Kathy.

'You two should talk,' Kathy told them, waving her hand as if she was ordering them to go somewhere a little more private. But Elliot walked up to his wife in stead. He gently stroked her hair and kissed her on the forehead, while she read the unspoken question in his eyes.

'I asked Olivia to come. Go talk to her.'

He looked into Kathy's eyes and they understood each other without words. She touched his cheek with her fingers and smiled. He took her hand, kissed her thin fingers and whispered 'Thank you'. He then turned to Liv.

'Let's go outside for a minute. Kathleen, would you watch Eli?'

She had thought she would be all over the place, but after the first shock of seeing her partner again, she felt a little numb. She didn't know what to expect but his warm embrace had instantly melted away what had been left of the anger and reproach she had had about his leaving without saying goodbye. And it had also taken the edge off of her insecurity about how he thought about her. She still had questions though, but given his situation she decided to let him do the talking for now. Kathy did say that he would explain everything to her.

They walked into the back yard and Elliot pointed to the far corner, where a couch and several chairs were arranged around a square wooden table. She felt a little uneasy when they sat down on the couch but she relaxed when he briefly stroked her back with his hand. 'It's good to see you Liv.'

'I wish it was under better circumstances,' she replied, trying very hard to ignore the one question that kept surfacing in her mind. _Why did you abandon me … why …_ But she did not ask him.

'Yeah ...' He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, looking out into the yard. She looked at his profile and his hair - or what was left of it. It had turned completely grey, even white on the sides. He had a little greyish stubble beard and it looked good on him. But his eyes were full of worry and unrest. She waited quietly for him to speak.

'So, Kathy asked you to come?'

She nodded. 'Yeah ... Kathleen came to the precinct today and asked me if I could come with her. Kathy wanted to talk.'

'What did she say?'

Liv hesitated. Should she tell him about his dying wife's request? When she did not answer right away, he turned to look at her.

'Liv?'

She felt warm inside when he said her name. When he kept looking at her face, she wondered if he knew that. She bit her lip and looked the other way.

'I guess ... I guess Kathy wants us to ... be in touch again,' she said while avoiding looking at him.

'Right.'

He leaned back and took a deep breath.

'You must be wondering why I never contacted you again.'

Very softly she admitted 'I have been wondering about that for almost five years ... I thought we were more than just partners after all that time.'

She looked at his face and saw pain flickering across his face while he closed his eyes for a second.

'Give me some time before I explain that to you, okay?'

He wasn't going to tell her - not now. She sighed and also leaned back against the couch.

'So why do you think Kathy asked me to come?'

'Hmm. To check up on me I guess,' he said with a smile. 'She can't follow me around anymore so now she wants you to keep an eye out. Am I right?'

'Something like that ... but I don't want to get in the way. If you don't want me here, just say so and I'll leave.'

'No ...' He put his hand on her knee. 'I'm glad you came ... and Kathy knew I would be. I don't deserve her ...'

He was fighting to keep new tears away, but when she moved closer and put her arm around his shoulders, he let them flow. She was glad he had finally learned to cry and stroked his back while he let out all his sadness and pain.

If he was trying to be strong for everyone else, like Kathleen said, he needed someone he could be weak with ... and apparently she was it. And Kathy had indeed known that.

So she would have to be strong. Again. As usual. She had not expected to be bitter about that, but realized that she had also been looking for someone she could be weak with.

For a short while, it had looked like David was the one but that relationship had been torpedoed by circumstances. Brian had not been a good fit after all, and looking back, she had known that all along.

In the end, the only one she had always truly felt safe with, was Elliot. And he was shattered right now. But she knew that she loved him so much, that she would find the strength to stand by him during this difficult time. And knowing that he needed her and finally admitting to herself how much she really loved him, also made her feel safe. She was in the right place at the right time and knowing that was very empowering.


	4. Chapter 4: Helping

**Hello to all my readers (wow, there are so many!). Thanks for several suggestions on how to continue. Like I said, I have quite a few chapters on the shelf already and will stick to those for now. I am open to suggestions of course, as long as they don't take me away from the main storyline I wish to tell. I find it a challenge to write from Elliot's perspective every now and then (maybe 'cause I'm a girl?) so any pointers on that are welcome too. I think this chapter turned out all right - without giving too much away yet :))  
This is the last one before my one week hiatus!  
**

4.

'So ... where do we go from here? How can I help you and your family?' she asked after he had calmed down again.

'Well, I suppose you still work at SVU? So you won't have much time on your hands to hang around here. I'm not really sure what Kathy expects you to do,' Elliot admitted.

She confirmed that she was still working at SVU but that her hours had improved a lot.

'How so?' he asked.

'I'm in charge now.'

'Really? You're a captain?' He seemed genuinely surprised but also happy for her.

'I'm not captain yet, but a lieutenant. I took over a while ago when I was a sergeant, but they wanted a lieutenant to run the place so I took the exam and here I am.'

'And you get to choose your own hours.'

'Well, you know how that goes, the cases we work still go well into the evening sometimes, but I also have someone waiting for me at home so I can't work all hours anymore. Don't need to now that I'm in charge, so that's a good change. The paperwork is less of a thrill though.'

He took his time taking in what she had just said. She had someone waiting for her at home. Well, it made sense. A beautiful, intelligent and sensitive woman like Liv couldn't stay alone forever. Although she certainly had taken her time finding someone, leading him to believe she might become an old spinster after all.

He had always seen her as a strong, independent woman but he knew her well enough to know that she really did not want to be alone. She wanted so badly to belong somewhere, to have a family, that it had even clouded her judgement about her half-brother at times. In the end, it was the job that had kept her going, so he wasn't surprised that she was still at SVU.

He _was_ surprised to find her in his living room that afternoon. But he understood why Kathy had invited her. He had been completely honest with his wife about his partner. She knew what Liv had meant to him all those years they had worked together and she knew how much he cared about her. She also knew that he had never ever cheated on her and that he had given up everything for her, to save his marriage. Even his friendship with Liv.

And now that he was going to lose Kathy, she wanted him to get back some of what he had given up for her - to find new stability after she was gone. The same stability Liv had provided as his partner all those years.

But Liv was taken.

She had someone waiting for her at home.

It was too late.

What man would want his woman to have a close male friend come back into her life? He would certainly object!

He looked at her and saw that she was waiting for a response. He decided to joke about it.

'And you can't tell this guy he is on his own for a while?'

Liv laughed.

'I don't think that is a good idea. How do I tell a two year old he's on his own?'

A two year old?

She had a kid.

'Surprised?'

'Yeah ...' he admitted. 'A two year old? And does this kid come with a daddy?'

'No, it's just Noah and me.'

He was so relieved that he couldn't hide it. She must have noticed it. She smiled at him, then pulled out her wallet to show him a picture of her boy. He was cute, with big eyes and dark hair, just like his mom. She was glowing with pride and love for this little boy and he was happy for her.

'So where is his daddy?' he asked.

'He's dead.' she answered curtly.

'Oh, I'm sorry.'

'I'm not. He was a crook.'

He looked at her with surprise. Apparently she still wasn't able to find a good man ...

'Okay, if you say so. But he did give you a son.'

She smiled. 'Yeah, even though he didn't know it at first.'

'Liv, what have you gotten yourself into ...'

Now she giggled and he couldn't help laughing too, although he wasn't sure why she was giggling. Her laugh was contagious.

'I'm sorry, I see how this must look to you. We found Noah during a raid on a pornographer's place when he was just a tiny baby. Later, we found out that one of our suspects in another case was his father. I adopted Noah last year, after being his foster mom for a year.'

Things were starting to make sense again. Liv had always wanted a child and he was happy she finally had a little family of her own. But he was even more happy that it was just this little family - so there might still be some room left in her life for him.

'Anyway, the question remains: what can I do for you and Kathy and Eli?'

He snapped back to reality, to the situation of his dying wife. He thought he understood why Kathy had invited Liv but he could not tell her that outright. And he could use some help with Eli and around the house, and with making arrangements for Kathy before and after her death. It would be nice to have Liv around, he could always just be himself around her and that's what he needed right now. But could he burden her with his troubles after all these years? Didn't he at least owe her an explanation why she never heard from him again?

'Why don't I come back tomorrow so we can both think about it. I can take the afternoon off and bring Noah too. Maybe Eli will like not being the youngest for once.'

She forced him to be practical and start thinking about what he had to do next. They did not know how much time Kathy had left and they should make good use of it.

'And I will make dinner for everyone tomorrow so you can have some quality time with Kathy. How does that sound?'

He was grateful. How could she be so helpful after he had abandoned her? He started to thank her but she stopped him by putting her hand up.

'No no. Just tell me how many people you will have in the house tomorrow and I will take care of the rest.'

He could not resist grabbing her hand and kissing it. She laughed spontaneously, then pulled her hand away and stood up.

'Let's go back inside and you can tell Kathy about our plans. I will check the kitchen to see what I will need to get for dinner tomorrow.'

He followed her inside, still somewhat surprised at how she was handling things. She was a strong and independent woman indeed.


	5. Chapter 5: Fin

**Well, I'm back at last, after a nice long week of sun, sea & beach with my love. So without further ado, here is the next chapter. My chapters aren't super long but I update regularly, so I hope that is okay with you guys. To the guest who asked: my first language is Dutch. To my very first follower, The Congressman: your latest suggestion comes close to what I had planned but I am putting a different spin on it. Stay tuned :)**

5.

In the car on her way back home, Liv was running all the events of the day back in her head like a movie. She was surprised at how well she had handled the situation in the end, and at her own willingness to get over Elliot leaving her without a word for now, and to step up to support him. She had always been very adept in suppressing her own feelings but she felt this wasn't the time to start digging into her soul. Despite the sad circumstances, she was relieved to have finally seen him again. It wasn't clear to her yet how their contact would evolve in the long run but for now, he was in her life again. And it made her happier than she had expected, even without an explanation for the way he had left her. It was so obvious now, no need to deny it. She loved him. She had always loved him. As a friend at first but he had grown into much more over the years. He had been her lifeline, the closest thing to family that she had ever had. That was the biggest reason it had hurt her so much that he left so abruptly. After he left, she had – once again – been utterly alone. Until Noah, that is.

She picked up Noah and went home to make his dinner. She wasn't hungry herself and just had some fruits. After Noah had fallen asleep she tried to watch some TV but she could not concentrate at all. She turned the TV off and put on some quiet background music in stead. More and more memories of her time with Elliot came flooding back and they did not make her sad anymore, now that she had seen him again. And she would see him again tomorrow. Just like that. She finished her glass of wine and decided to turn in early. She would need all her energy tomorrow ... for the Stablers. She lay awake for a while but eventually fell asleep, slept well and woke up refreshed the next morning.

When Liv walked into the squad room the next morning, she immediately announced that she would be taking the afternoon off. Fin and Amanda looked at each other, then Fin asked her if this had to do with Kathleen Stabler's visit the day before.

'As a matter of fact it does,' Liv admitted.

When it looked like she wasn't going to explain any further, Fin asked 'Elliot okay?'

She noticed that all her detectives were looking at her and hesitated. She didn't feel like sharing the Stablers' personal lives with all of them but she would have to say something.

Finally, she nodded and said, 'He is okay. His wife is ill and she asked for me. I am going to see if I can help out in any way while she is incapacitated.'

She started walking towards her office but Fin stopped her. 'How ill is she Liv? It sounds serious.' She made a gesture that he should follow her. The others didn't know Elliot anyway. When he had closed the door behind him, Fin asked her if _she_ was okay.

'Yeah ... yeah, I'm fine. It was just kind of a shock to see El again after such a long time. And to learn about Kathy ...'

'If she sent for you, she must be pretty sick,' Fin thought. 'She want to say goodbye or something?'

'You're right, it is serious. It's cancer and she is dying. She asked me to look out for El after she's gone.' she blurted out. She needed to tell _someone_.

Fin was silent for a while. He had seen them work together for years and knew they had always had a special bond. And Kathy had known too.

'That's a remarkable gesture,' he finally concluded, 'for her to ask you to come back into Elliot's life. Now that's love ...'

She smiled hesitantly. How much exactly did Fin understand of the situation?

'So how are _you_ holding up?' he asked, direct as always.

She laughed softly while turning on her computer and sitting down at her desk. 'How do you think?'

'Glad to see him again but not sure what to do or how close to get?'

He was spot on.

'And Elliot?'

'The same I guess. But he has a lot going on, knowing that he will lose his wife soon. And their youngest son is only eight years old, so he needs attention too. I don't know if I should leave him alone for now but it looks like he needs someone to talk to.'

'And who better than you, Liv. I guess Kathy knows you know him better than anyone.'

'She may be weak physically now but she is a very strong woman,' Liv observed.

Fin understood what she meant.

'Well, you can count on me to keep things rolling here. If you want to take some more time off I guess we'd have to clear it with 1PP but I'm here for you. Just say the word.'

'Thanks Fin!'

He patted her on the shoulder, then left her office.

She had some paperwork to go through, then had to do a briefing of her squad on a few cases that were turning out to be linked. By the time they finished that, she would probably have to get ready to pick up Noah, if she was going to be on time for tea at the Stablers.

It was weird to suddenly have them back in her life again. But it felt good, as if it was meant to be. Almost as if everything had been leading up to this point over the past four and a half years. She had never really accepted that she would not see Elliot again and there was so much she needed to tell him, so much to catch up on. She felt like she had held her breath for a very long time, and was finally starting to breathe again.


	6. Chapter 6: Noah

6.

The front door swung open before she could knock on it, and there was Elliot. His eyes were smiling and she felt a blush coming up. Fortunately, his attention was immediately drawn to the adorable little boy that was clutching her hand.

He squatted and held out his hand to the little man. 'Hi, I'm Elliot. And you must be Noah,' he said. 'Wanna shake my hand?'

Noah shook 'no' and hid his hand behind his back. Liv laughed.

'How 'bout a fist then?' Elliot tried, while holding out his own fist.

Slowly, Noah moved his arm and made a fist. Elliot gently pushed his big fist against Noah's little hand, and Noah smiled. Then he looked up at his mom, who was glowing with pride. 'Well done, Noah!' she whispered. He returned her beaming smile and then peeked past Elliot to see what was inside the house.

'Come on in, let's see how Kathy is doing,' Elliot said.

Noah put his little finger on his lips and looked at Liv again.

'That's right Noah, we have to be a little quiet around Kathy because she is sick.'

They entered the house and she felt Elliot's hand stroking her back as she passed him into the hallway.

'What a wonderful kid you have,' he said softly. She couldn't agree more. He took their coats and they quickly followed Noah into the living room. Liv picked him up so Kathy could see him.

Kathy was awake and smiling. Noah wanted to sit on the bed and Kathy said it was okay. 'Just for a little while, okay Noah?' she said. Noah nodded while checking out the blankets on the bed. Liv knew he would probably want to crawl under them and made sure he didn't. When he became a little restless, she put him back on the floor. Kathy was tired and they decided to let her rest.

Eli was still in school so Elliot went upstairs to get some toys for Noah to play with. He was a very active child but somehow he probably felt that he couldn't go running around. He played on the floor while Elliot and his mom sat on the couch and talked.

They quietly discussed the situation. How the older children took turns visiting their mother. How it was almost too much for Kathy when Maureen brought her two kids over. 'They are a handful, just like their granddad,' Elliot joked.

He was a grandfather. She looked at her little boy. He could have been her grandchild too in stead of her son. But her life had unfolded differently. Noah could play with Elliot's grandsons, of course. She offered to come over and help when they visited. Elliot didn't know how many times this would be, because they really did not know how much time Kathy had left. It could be a matter of weeks, but also days. They were increasing her dosage of morphine almost every day now.

Liv put her hand on his arm when he said that and he smiled faintly.

'They will need to say goodbye to their grandmother. How old are they?'

'Three and one.'

'Then I guess they don't realize what is going on. Still, Kathy will want to say goodbye.

Elliot nodded. 'We should get them here this week.'

'Yes. Everyone should come over at least once this week,' Liv added. 'Maybe they can all come on the same day, or do you think that would be too much for Kathy?'

'Well, she's in and out as you can see. As long as they don't stand around her all at once, it should be fine. I think you're right. They all need to say their goodbyes while there is still time. And they need to be together.'

He looked at her face. 'Thank you Liv, for being here.'

'No need to thank me El.'

'Well, I wouldn't have blamed you if you hadn't come. After all, I kind of abandoned you ...'

She fixed her eyes on Noah, wondering if she was going to get that explanation now. She did not look at Elliot, she wasn't going to push it. And she was a little afraid to hear it too. What if she had somehow contributed to his decision to stay away? What if she had been able to prevent it? While she was pondering, Elliot decided it was time for some tea. She sighed softly. So he wasn't going to go into it right now, even though he was the one who brought it up again. Could he be feeling guilty about it?

Noah got up to follow Elliot into the kitchen, so Liv followed as well.

'I have to go and pick up Eli from school soon,' Elliot said. 'Let's pick a date to invite all the kids over afterwards.'

She nodded. It felt like they were teaming up again, making plans together like old times. They looked at each other and she thought he was thinking the same thing. Then Noah opened a drawer and started taking out some plastic bags, and Liv had to intervene.

'Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to bring him,' she mumbled while carrying him back into the living room. But Elliot disagreed. 'He belongs with you, so he belongs here.'

She turned around abruptly and looked at him with surprise. He avoided looking at her while he passed her with their cups of tea to put them on the coffee table.

She sat down, suppressing another sigh, and keeping Noah on her lap so he couldn't reach the hot tea. Elliot went back to the kitchen to get something to drink for Noah. She felt some tension because of all the unspoken words that seemed to be hanging between them. They really needed to talk. Not about the situation with Kathy or his kids or her kid; about the two of them. But she guessed this wasn't going to happen as long as Kathy was still alive. It would all be about Kathy until she was no longer with them.

She looked at the pale woman in the bed over by the window. She assumed Kathy couldn't hear them talking but tried to keep her voice down nonetheless. They all had their drinks and Noah was babbling the loudest. Then Elliot had to leave to get Eli.


	7. Chapter 7: Confession

**And here is yet another chapter. The more reviews I get, the quicker I will update again :) :) Just let me know what you think of the chapter, okay? I know the Stablers have an open kitchen but it works better here as a closed one, so here we go.**

7.

Liv decided to go into the kitchen to see if she had everything she needed. She had brought some additional groceries and wanted to get to know the kitchen. She cleaned up a bit, then started making a few preparations for the evening. They were expecting the twins this evening and she could only hope they would not object to her presence. She hadn't always been on good terms with Richard. She didn't know if Kathy ate anything anymore but made sure there was more than enough for everyone.

When she heard something in the living room she checked up on Kathy. She was awake and was trying to reach a glass of water that was set in the windowsill. Liv quickly walked up to her to help.

'You're still here Olivia?' Kathy asked with a weak voice.

'Yes, I'm still here,' she replied, wondering if Kathy might be losing her sense of time.

'Where is Elliot?' Kathy asked.

'He is picking up Eli at school.'

'Oh ... okay. How are you two getting along?'

She seemed a bit woozy but her eyes were fixed on Olivia's while she waited for a reply.

'I need to know that he will be all right.'

Liv nodded, unsure of what to say. This was only her second visit in over four years so how _were_ they getting along?

'It's ... we're good, Kathy. Don't worry,' she finally answered. She felt that they hadn't really talked yet and that it wasn't easy to just pick up where they left off. She was still waiting for Elliot to explain why he had cut her out of his life without a word. But she decided not to tell Kathy that. She just needed to know everything would be all right.

'Olivia ...,' Kathy put her hand on Liv's arm. She fell silent and Liv thought Kathy had dozed off but then she started to speak again.

'Do you love him?'

She felt like someone had punched her in the stomach and took a deep breath. She could not lie to a dying woman, or keep the truth from her. There simply was no time left to play games.

She looked at her partner's wife, who was waiting for her answer. Then she admitted, 'Yes, I do. I love him.'

Kathy was finally satisfied and smiled.

'Thank you for your honesty. Now I know he will be fine,' she whispered.

Liv teared up and stroked Kathy's hair while she fell asleep again, a content smile still lingering on her face. She then looked up to see Elliot standing at the door, staring at them. How long had he been standing there? She moved away from the bed and wished she could disappear into the kitchen. Then she noticed that Eli and Noah were getting acquainted. She was grateful for the distraction and walked over to the children. Elliot was still looking at her but she made an effort to ignore him. She sat down with the children at the coffee table and chatted with them. Elliot went to check on Kathy, then he mumbled 'I'll make us some coffee,' while walking to the kitchen.

Elizabeth and Richard arrived about an hour later. Liv was busy in the kitchen while the twins talked with their mother briefly. Then Elliot told them Liv was there too, and why. They already knew, they told him. Kathleen had called them to let them know Kathy had asked for Liv. 'I guess it's nice for you to have someone that can support you, dad,' Richard remarked.

Elliot knew that his son had had his worries in the past about how close he was to his working partner. He was glad his kids were older now, more mature. They understood that Liv's presence in no way meant that he was betraying their mother or that he loved her any less. And it was their mother who had asked for Liv, not him. That made a huge difference and he was profoundly grateful to his wife for that.

He almost felt guilty about how happy he was to have Liv back in his life. And seeing her earlier, being so kind to Kathy, had touched him deeply. He felt blessed to have these two women in his life. But he knew he had hurt one of them deeply. And while he was forced to let his first love go, she had given him the opportunity to make things right with his dear friend. Liv.  
He wondered what the two of them had been talking about when he came back with Eli that afternoon. Liv had seemed shocked to see him, embarrassed even. He should ask her about that some time ...

Liv entered the room and greeted the twins. Dinner was almost ready and Elizabeth helped her set the table while the men sat with Kathy for a while. Kathy did not want to eat and Elliot unsuccessfully tried to get her to drink a few sips of water before he and Richard came to the table. Eli and Noah were goofing off and Elliot took Noah on his lap so he would sit still while he prayed before the meal. Noah looked at Liv surprised and she winked at him while the others had their eyes closed. She repeated the 'amen' after Elliot, and Noah also said amen. Everyone laughed and Noah was thrilled. When Liv got up to serve the food, he quickly climbed on his own chair again.

There was little chatter during dinner, except from the young children. Elizabeth asked how Liv was doing and finally Elliot discussed the idea with his twins to get everyone together one last time for Kathy. They agreed that it would be wise to do this very soon, like the upcoming weekend. They decided on Sunday afternoon. Elliot glanced at Liv and she nodded. She would be there, of course. Richard offered to let Kathleen and Maureen know, so Elliot wouldn't have to worry about that. The twins left soon after dinner because they did not want to tire their mother too much.

'Come back soon,' Kathy whispered.

'We will all be here next Sunday mom,' Elizabeth told her.

'Sunday? How many days is it 'till Sunday?' she asked.

'Just three. It's Thursday now,' her daughter told her.

'Three days. Okay. See you then.'

Elliot wondered if his wife even had three days and looked at Liv. She also seemed worried.

'We could make it Saturday,' Elliot said, while looking at his son and daughter. They seemed to understand what he meant and confirmed that this was a better idea.

'Saturday it is. 4 pm?'

They all agreed and the twins left.

'We should be going too,' Liv said. 'Noah is getting tired.' Her son was lying on the couch, watching some TV while Eli was playing with his computer games.

Elliot understood she needed to get her son home but he was sorry to see her leave.

'I will be back Saturday,' she promised. 'Do you need me to bring anything?'

Just your beautiful self, he thought, but he didn't say it of course. When he did not answer right away she suggested they go into the kitchen and make a list. They opened all the cupboards and Liv jotted down a few things she would need, to make sure everyone would leave with some good food in their stomachs. When they reached up to check the same cupboard their faces were suddenly uncomfortably close. Liv took a quick step back. He grinned and told her not to worry. 'My bark is still worse than my bite, Liv.'

She smiled, then looked down at her list again. He moved closer to see what she had written down. He could feel the warmth of her arm almost touching his and felt his body respond a little. Was this healthy, while his wife was on her death bed in the next room? Was he so desperate for company that he could just forget about his sad circumstances so easily and be physically attracted to another woman? Well, it wasn't just any other woman. It was Liv.

She looked up at him, probably wondering what was going on in his head. He gazed into her beautiful dark brown eyes for a few seconds and then felt her hand on his on the counter.

'El,' she said softly. 'Let's focus on our list. Let's do this for Kathy.'

She was right. Of course she was right.

'Right. The list,' he said. He cleared his throat and really looked at the piece of paper now to read it. 'What are you planning on making?'

She wanted to make pasta and salad. They finished their list of ingredients quickly and got out of the kitchen. If you can't take the heat ..., he thought, and laughed to himself.

Reality hit quickly when they returned to the living room. Kathy was calling him and he hurried to help her. She needed to go to the restroom. In stead of getting her things together, Liv decided it would be better to get Eli ready for bed. He did not need to see him mom so helpless. After putting Eli to bed, with a very curious Noah in tow, Liv picked up Noah and said goodbye to Kathy, who was back in bed by then.

Elliot walked her to the door. 'I'll see you Saturday, say at 2 pm?' he said.

She nodded. 'We'll be here. Oh, and please stop thanking me at every turn. I'm happy to help out.'

He smiled. That was Liv.

'Yes ma'am.'

She laughed and turned around, Noah almost asleep on her shoulder. She really was a very strong woman. He was already looking forward to seeing her again in two days.


	8. Chapter 8: Amanda

**Hello again! This chapter will be short but it was a lot of fun to write! Enjoy.**

8.  
Liv did not sleep as well as the night before but still, she felt able to face another day at work. However, she did not feel like staying in all day, and went to interview a rape victim in the hospital with Amanda Rollins. On their drive back to the station, Amanda asked her about the Stablers.

'I know it's none of my business but I was just wondering ...,'

Amanda hesitated when she saw the distant look on Liv's face. Liv looked at her because she had suddenly stopped talking. 'Wondering what, Amanda?'

'Well, you've been partners for so long …' Liv could hear the unasked question but Amanda did not finish that sentence. 'I just wondered why they asked for you now,' she concluded.

Liv laughed out loud.

'Don't you mean why they asked for me in the first place? You're right, it is none of your business. Let's just say that Kathy asked me to be there for moral support. I can be a very supportive person when I want to be, you know.'

Amanda smiled. 'Of course you can …,' she agreed while turning her attention to the traffic in the busy streets of New York.

Liv knew her detective was very curious about the nature of her relationship with her former partner and was wondering if she should confide in Amanda any further. And if she did, what would she tell her?

Her thoughts were interrupted when Amanda finally asked, 'You and your partner's wife must have been very close then.'

Liv smiled.

'I wouldn't say we were close,' she replied, 'but we had someone in common.'

Amanda looked surprised, even somewhat shocked, but did not comment.

Liv shook her head, smiling even wider.

'Not like that!' she laughed. 'You know, it _is_ possible to care about someone without sleeping with them.'

'Oh, yeah … of course it is …' Amanda seemed a little embarrassed.

Liv was having fun confusing her detective, but felt like she owed her some kind of further explanation. They had arrived at the station and while they got out of the car, she added: 'It may have been uneasy for Kathy that her husband had a female partner about his age, but at times like these, petty sensitivities don't matter. What matters is that her loved ones will be okay once she is gone. So any support is welcome – and she knows I really care about him.'

Amanda seemed to understand a little now, and did not ask any further questions. When they got back upstairs she walked straight over to Fin and Liv wondered if they were talking about her and Elliot when she wasn't listening. Well, what if they were? There was nothing to be ashamed of. She had always respected Elliot's marriage and he had been completely faithful to his wife. Caring about each other was not a sin. But she knew it was more than just caring. There was a clear physical attraction as well, she could not deny it. Each time they got close or touched each other, her heart skipped a beat. And he wasn't exactly avoiding contact. But it was too soon to think that way, with Kathy in her final days. She was trying just to focus on today. And today, she would not see him. So it was a long day.

But long days do pass and she got up that Saturday morning with mixed emotions. It would be a difficult day and a busy day as well. She took Noah to the park to play and later on, they went to the supermarket to get everything they needed for dinner. She had forgotten to check the pantry for beer and decided to bring an extra six-pack for Elliot. Then they had a quick bite to eat and it was finally time to leave for Queens. She felt a little nervous about seeing Elliot again but they had a busy afternoon planned so there would be no time to worry about what to say or do.


	9. Chapter 9: A death in the family

9.  
The afternoon went well. While Liv made preparations, Elliot sat with Kathy and prepared her for the visit of all her children and grandchildren. Kathy seemed at peace and smiled at her when she passed the bed. As she walked away, Liv noticed that Kathy whispered something to Elliot. She could not make out what Kathy had said but Elliot was very emotional about it. Then the first visitors arrived, Maureen and her husband and their two boys. The others followed and soon the house was filled with quiet chatter. The young kids were crawling around and Liv had a hard time keeping up with them and keeping them somewhat in check. Noah was enjoying the company of James, Maureen's 3 year old especially but she could see he was getting tired. Fortunately, Kathleen was helping her out in the kitchen. Dinner was almost ready by the time all the children had had a brief conversation with Kathy. Elliot was trying to get her to drink a few sips of water, but Kathy refused. She was too tired and urged him to join his children at the dinner table.

He did, but he regularly checked up on her. He had an unusually strong feeling that she was starting to slip away permanently. He shared his concern with Liv in the kitchen and she went to check on Kathy a few times too. She checked Kathy's pulse and had to agree that it was very faint. She suggested they call the nurse to make a house call. The children at the dinner table noticed something was going on and all went to see Kathy too. Liv lifted up Noah to stop him from walking around and Maureen and her husband each picked up one of their sons as well. Elliot sat next to Kathy on the bed and checked her breathing. It was slowing down and tears filled his eyes.

'I think this is it, kids,' he told his children.

Kathy took one more breath and then she was gone.

...

When the doctor and the people from the funeral home finally left, it was well past midnight. Noah was sound asleep upstairs in the girls' bedroom and Maureen had taken Eli to stay with them for a few days. Their contact at the funeral home would return in the morning to discuss several practical issues with Elliot. Richard had agreed to come too, to assist his father.

Kathy's body had been prepared and she had been dressed in the clothes that she had picked out herself. She had always been very slender but had lost even more weight over the past months, so her long emerald dress was a bit too wide for her thin body. Her blonde hair was considerably shorter than Liv remembered it from five years ago, because she had lost it all last year during her chemo treatments. She looked dignified none the less, in her mahogany coffin with champagne-coloured lining.

Liv looked at Elliot, who was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed. He looked so tired.

She sat down beside him, wondering if he was falling asleep. He opened his eyes and looked at her. He was so sad and she automatically moved closer to put her arm around him. His head leaned against hers and they spoke softly – as if Kathy might still hear them. They were both amazed at the timing of Kathy's death. Her entire family was there and it happened just before the nurse arrived. There had been a lot of crying of course, but in the end this had been the best scenario in a terrible situation.

Liv noticed that Elliot could hardly keep his eyes open. The constant worry of the past year and having to take care of his dying wife had clearly taken their toll on him.

'You should try to get some sleep,' she told him. He mumbled something she couldn't make out and she shook him a little bit to wake him up.

'El! You should try to get some sleep. In bed.'

He got up slowly and he suddenly looked like a very old man. Then he turned to her.

'What about you?' he asked.

She hesitated, not sure if it was inappropriate to suggest what she was about to.

'Well,' she started, 'Noah is sleeping upstairs so if it's alright with you I …'

'Yeah, of course,' he interrupted. 'Pick any room.'

No matter how tired he was, he could still read her mind.

'I will join Noah in the girls' room,' she told him. 'Do you have an extra toothbrush?'

'I think so.'

He stopped by Kathy's body one last time, then he walked upstairs with her. He really was walking like an old man. He found her an unused toothbrush and gave her some privacy in the bathroom. When she came out, she saw that he had crashed, face forward, on his bed and was already asleep, still fully dressed. She tiptoed to the adjoining room where Noah was sleeping. She had found a big grey t-shirt in a hamper with clean laundry in the bathroom, that she thought was suitable to wear as a nightgown. She got in the narrow bed opposite Noah's. Her son's even breathing was comforting as she tried to relax and process all that had happened.

What a day … what a week! She could hardly believe it had in fact only been four days since she first set foot in the Stabler house again. The urgency of Kathy's condition had swept away all the other possible scenarios she had had about seeing Elliot again. And she was fine with supporting Elliot for now, but he still needed to explain to her why he had left her the way he had. At first she had felt heartbroken, barely able to focus on her job anymore. Especially when the new detectives were practically forced on her by Captain Cragen. Then, when it began to sink in that he really wasn't going to contact her anymore, she had become angry. Very angry. How could he have abandoned her when he knew that he was about all she had in the world? But deep down she knew that her anger was just another way of letting out the hurt – the deepest hurt she had ever felt in her life. After that, she had just been sad. She had tried to get on with her life and accept that the sadness was always going to be there. And when fate struck and she was abducted by the most horrible beast imaginable, all she wanted was to see Elliot again. She had literally ached to see him again, just one more time. Naturally, his name had come up in her therapy sessions. More than once. She would not admit her feelings for her former partner to her shrink but she guessed he knew. He had always been her beacon and now she was lost at sea. When her psychiatrist had once asked her, 'who looked out for you?' while she was always looking out for everyone else, she had not answered. She had just found it kind of pathetic that she could only come up with the name of her working partner. He had always looked out for her, always had her back and made her feel safe, until he had suddenly abandoned her without a word. Tears began to form behind her closed eyelids. She sobbed softly, careful not to wake Noah. She was very good at looking out for other people. And Noah had been a ray of sunshine in her life that had given her so much energy and that had made her softer too. She loved looking after him. But when would it finally be her turn? When would someone finally look out for her?

Overcome with a feeling of loneliness, she cried softly until she finally fell asleep.


	10. Chapter 10: Thank you

**Couldn't resist putting a little bit of Mariska into this chapter. Let me know if you found it! :)  
Thanks to all the new followers. I hope the story won't disappoint you. I have chosen a sllooww pace! Trying to make it like it could actually happen in L&O SVU.  
** **Remember: the more reviews I get, the quicker I will update.**

10.

When Elliot woke up, the sun was already peeking through the curtains. He had a faint headache and soon realized he was still fully dressed aside from his shoes. He was under a blanket though and he looked around a bit puzzled. He was alone. Then it hit him, Kathy had died last night. He turned on his back and let reality sink in, his arm across his eyes. He did not cry and felt numb. He had cried enough to last him a lifetime over the past few weeks. He realized he must have passed out the night before and he had not dreamt at all. He got up after a few minutes and after a quick stop in the bathroom he ventured downstairs. He gazed at the coffin in the living room first and he felt his stomach contracting. Then his attention shifted to the dinner table. There were Liv and Noah. She was helping her son with his breakfast. He could not help noticing her bare legs and the long t-shirt she was wearing. Was it one of his? She looked up and smiled at him.

'Hi. Did you get some sleep?'

He pulled up a chair and sat down next to Noah, who clapped his hands happily as he exclaimed 'Ewwiot!'

Elliot could not help smiling at the little boy and offered him a high five. Noah immediately slapped his hand, and followed up with a double thumbs up, shouting 'O yeah!' Elliot looked at Liv with surprise.

'Yeah, I taught him that,' she admitted and they all laughed.

'So, did you sleep?' she asked again.

He nodded. 'I suppose I did. I can't even remember going to bed … I feel like crap though.'

Liv told him he had basically collapsed the night before. When she had to use the restroom during the night, she had taken his shoes off and put a blanket over him. He hadn't moved a muscle so she had not wanted to disturb him any further, seeing how much he needed to rest.

'Thanks …' he said softly but when he saw her stern look, one eyebrow slightly raised, he realized he wasn't supposed to thank her all the time.

'Sorry …,' he said, 'what else can I say?'

She shrugged and turned her attention to Noah again. But Elliot had an idea and got up to walk over to her. She looked up at him, but had to catch a piece of orange that Noah had spat out – breakfast was great practice for her reflexes. Then Elliot leaned in and kissed her softly on the cheek. She immediately dropped the piece of orange on the floor and looked up at him shocked, her brown eyes wide open.

He grinned and could swear she was blushing a little.

'What … why did you do that?' she stammered, her eyes still staring straight into his.

'Well, if I can't say thanks, I will have to think of something else. This seemed like a friendly alternative, or don't you agree?'

She looked down at Noah who was growing a little impatient with his mom, then mumbled, 'I suppose … just don't go overboard with the gratitude, okay?'

He patted her on the shoulder before walking to the kitchen, still grinning. He glanced at the shiny coffin again. Thank you my dear Kathy, he thought, for making sure I would not be alone today, my first day as a widower. He had had several months to prepare for this day but he had to swallow hard, while repeating the word 'widower' out loud. They had been together for over thirty years … there had been good times and bad times but she had always been there. And the years after his retirement had been mostly good. He would miss her terribly. He sighed, pulled out a bottle of milk and made some cereal. He truly was grateful to Kathy for getting Liv back into his life just in time. Not as her replacement but Liv would certainly fill a huge gap in his life – if she was willing to stick around. He knew he had hurt her and he would have to do something soon to try and get her to understand why he had made such a difficult choice. He could only hope she would understand how impossible the options were for him back then …

When he returned to the living room, Liv had just finished feeding Noah and was getting up. 'I need to get dressed, Richard and Mr Foster will be here at 9.30,' she said. He looked at her up and down while she headed for the stairs.

'Is that my shirt?' he finally asked.

She stopped abruptly and turned around. 'I … I pulled it out of the clean laundry. I hope you don't mind?'

'I assure you, it looks much better on you than on me. Keep it!'  
He could not suppress a smile when he saw her hurrying up the stairs.

Liv sat down on the bed where she had slept the night before, her heart beating fast after she had rushed up the stairs. Was that the only reason it was beating so fast? Elliot had caught her completely off guard; she definitely had not expected him to kiss her while his wife's body was still in the house – in the same room even. It had just been a peck on the cheek but in all the years they had worked together he had never done that before. Not even when they were undercover as a couple. It was just something they did not do. They were working partners and he was married. There was a very clear line that was not to be crossed. Ever. And they never had. She did not know what to make of it. She knew Elliot could not recover so quickly from the death of his one and only lover and the mother of his children. He was in a vulnerable state right now and she would need to stay professional. Not knowing why he had cut her out of his life before, made it a little easier to keep her distance but she could not deny the attraction there was between them either. It was such a conflict of emotions and she had just found herself literally running from his presence. And then there was the promise she had made to Kathy … Frustrated, she covered her face with her hands while resting her elbows on her knees. Realizing that she really needed to get dressed, she got up to find her clothes. She folded the big t-shirt – El's t-shirt – neatly and placed it on the pillow of the bed. Maybe she would need it again …

A while later she descended the stairs, completely composed. Elliot had made coffee and they were ready when Richard and Mr Foster arrived.

Richard first walked over to look at his mother, then joined the others at the dinner table. Liv decided to let the others do the talking but Elliot asked her for her opinion a few times during their discussion with Mr Foster from the funeral home. The look in his eyes was reassuring but she still felt they knew Kathy best, and it was their goodbye, not hers. She had been introduced to Mr Foster as a friend of the family but she preferred to stay in the background. Besides, she was not at all familiar with Catholic customs.

After about an hour, most of the details had been agreed upon. Mr Foster would take things up with Father Michael at the church and would get back to Elliot.

'One more thing, Mr Stabler,' he said. 'Do you wish to keep Mrs Stabler here until the funeral on Thursday? We can also give her a nice cooled room with us, where you will not have to deal with visitors who wish to say goodbye to her before the funeral. You can visit at all hours too, of course. We can still add it to the obituary. We will be happy to accommodate you.'

Elliot looked at Liv again. Liv looked at Richard, not knowing if it mattered what she preferred. Richard in turn looked at Elliot. 'What do you think dad? Do you need her here until Thursday?'

While Elliot pondered over this question, Liv thought of something and whispered to Richard: 'We also have Eli to consider.'

Richard nodded, and gave her a look of appreciation before telling his father: 'Dad, Eli can come home if you let them take mom to their facility.'

'But only if you agree to let her go, El,' Liv added. Richard nodded again. 'You can only do this once,' he reminded his father.

Elliot rested his face in his hands and Liv's heart went out to him.

'You can think about it of course, Mr Stabler,' Mr Foster said. 'You don't need to decide now. Just let me know if you choose to move her, agreed?'

Elliot looked at him, clearly relieved that he did not need to decide right away.

'I will,' he said, almost whispering.

 **Note: I am not fully aware of procedures in the US around a death due to illness. This part was written from personal experience in my country where we can keep the bodies of our loved ones in our homes until the funeral. ( The way Kathy passed away was also written from personal experience, unfortunately. It's a matter of days once they stop drinking :(** **)**


	11. Chapter 11: Funeral

**I am still writing and I want to get this story out there. Have just finished writing chapter 18 as I post this. Let me know if it's still interesting. I want to keep it realistic - or am I going too slow? ;)**

 **So, where were we?**

11.  
In the end, Elliot decided to keep Kathy home until her funeral. A cooler had already been installed underneath the coffin on Saturday. On top of that Elliot would need to keep the heating down in the living room at all times. All arrangements were taken care of by Mr Foster. Liv went back home Sunday evening and back to work on Monday, after checking up on Elliot that morning. She called him on Tuesday and Wednesday evening, making sure he was eating properly, not drinking too much and getting some sleep. She thought it would be good to give him time alone with Kathy's body, so he could say goodbye properly. He also received several of Kathy's friends who came to pay their respects. Liv agreed to come to the house early on Thursday. Lucy would pick up Noah from day care and stay with him at her place until she called. Then she would bring him over to the Stabler home. Elliot had asked her to come back to the house with them after the funeral and she had agreed, thinking Kathy would have wanted her to.

Liv decided to wear a classical outfit: a white blouse on a black skirt that ended just below the knee, black high-heeled pumps and a black blazer. It was spring but it was still chilly so she decided on a warm black overcoat, the same length as her skirt. She pinned her dark hair up loosely so she wouldn't fiddle with it all day. It would be an emotional day and she would try to stay in the background, perhaps looking after Eli a bit. Elliot's grandchildren would not be there during the day.

When she arrived at the Stabler house, it was already filled with a lot of people. The bearers were preparing to take Kathy to the hearse after the coffin would be ceremoniously closed. The entire family was there from both sides, including Elliot's mother, and several of Kathy's friends. Liv hardly knew any of them and did not bother to remember all the names. She tried to ignore the glances she was getting, as people must be wondering who she was exactly. Everyone spoke softly and all conversations were kept very brief so there was no room for elaborate introductions anyway.

Elliot must have noticed she was feeling a bit out of place and walked over to her. He looked tired but still very handsome in his black suit. He was clean-shaven now and looked much more like the Elliot she had worked with for so long. She smiled faintly and he returned the smile. His hand on her lower back was comforting and a little disconcerting at the same time. He said nothing but his gratitude was in his eyes.

Then Mr Foster, who would personally lead the funeral, asked for everyone's attention. He explained that the coffin would now be closed and asked for Elliot and the children to gather around it. Afterwards, Kathy would be carried outside, directly followed by the immediate family. They would be paired up, Elliot first with Eli, then Maureen and her husband Harrison, followed by Kathleen, Elizabeth and Richard. Liv was asked if she would accompany Bernadette, Elliot's mother, who would walk directly behind the children. After that, Kathy's family and friends would follow and finally the others who were present.

Liv watched as Elliot and his children were allowed to take one final look at their beloved wife and mother before the coffin was closed forever. She swallowed hard as she saw a shudder going through Elliot's body, his broad shoulders shaking before he took a few deep breaths to get his emotions under control. Kathleen and Elizabeth both put their arms around him and Maureen held her husband tight. She saw Richard holding his little brother and was deeply moved by the scene. A lot of people were crying and Liv wished she could just hold on to someone as well. Then she felt and arm around her waist. It was Bernadette. She looked up at her son's former partner and smiled, tears in her eyes. Liv put her arm around the older lady and they stood together in silence.

A little later, they all headed for the church. The service was very formal but warm at the same time. There were several speakers who were clearly not used to speaking at such an occasion. Elliot stood beside young Eli while the boy recited a poem dedicated to his mother. While Eli spoke softly but calmly, Liv could see Elliot clenching his jaw, clearly struggling. Bernadette took her hand, probably needing some comfort while her heart broke for her son. 'I'm so glad you are here,' she whispered to Liv. She had not seen Elliot's mother again after she had convinced her to speak with Kathleen after her arrest years ago, but she guessed Bernadette knew she had always had a good rapport with her working partner. Still, Liv wished this day would be over. She had promised Kathy she would support Elliot but that did not mean she had to enjoy it. Funerals were so depressing.

At the cemetery, she was happy to see more familiar faces. She saw Fin, Rollins and Carisi and even Don Cragen and John Munch were there. She appreciated it a lot. She could have sworn she even saw Lt Tucker somewhere in the crowd that had gathered to see Kathy off and support the Stabler family.  
After the ceremony was finally over, she walked over to talk to her co-workers and her former boss. Don Cragen hugged her and looked at her attentively.

'You okay Liv?'

She smiled but with a sad look on her face. 'Yeah ... you know me, I'm always fine.' she responded, knowing the Captain would know better than to ask any further.

Then Elliot joined them, also wanting to greet his former Captain. Cragen hugged him as well and patted him on the back. 'I'm so sorry for your loss son.'

'Thanks Captain,' Elliot said, his voice almost breaking.

Munch and Fin stepped up to express their condolences after the Captain, Rollins and Carisi staying in the background. Liv could see Amanda staring at Elliot and wondered what she could be thinking. When Amanda noticed that Liv was looking at her, she smiled and Liv walked over to her.

'To be honest Liv,' Amanda admitted, 'all I ever heard about your partner was that he was such a hothead. Nobody told me he was so good looking. I can't believe you were never tempted ...'

Liv smirked, not sure if they were supposed to have such a conversation at a funeral. Still, she could not resist leaning over to Amanda saying 'Who says I wasn't?'

Amanda put her hand over her mouth to hide her wide smile while looking sideways at Liv. Liv poked her with an elbow and walked away from her to join the family again. Bernadette looked like she needed her arm again for support. The older lady had been standing for a very long time.

Now that the official part of the day was over, those who had attended started to disperse. Elliot also joined the family and gathered them together. They would be driven back to the Stabler house, where a caterer should be ready by now to receive them with some light snacks so the guests would not leave with an empty stomach. It was almost 5 pm and Elliot really did not want his guests to stay the whole evening, aside from his own children maybe. Maureen and Harrison's sitter was going to bring James and young Luke over. He knew Noah was also coming and really hoped Liv would stay a little longer as well. While he loved having his children around him, he really needed an equal to talk to.  
Back at the house, he could not wait for Kathy's friends and both their more distant family members to leave. He was exhausted and just wanted to get out of his suit and crash on the couch. He sat down, loosening his tie a little. He saw Liv talking to one of Kathy's cousins and noticed she was tired as well. Just then, Lucy came in to bring Noah and he saw Liv's face light up. She hugged her little boy tightly and she was beaming with joy, kissing his chubby cheeks and introducing him proudly to the person she had been talking to _._ He loved to see her smile ...  
Maureen flopped down on the couch beside him and followed his gaze.

'Dad?' she said, and he turned his attention to his oldest daughter.

'Yes honey, what is it?'

'Will you be okay when everybody leaves?'

He sighed. 'You know, things will never be the same and it will take time to get used to missing your mom. But I have all you guys to help me, right?'

He rubbed his daughter's back and she smiled at him. 'Of course you do daddy. But still ...' She looked at Liv again. 'Are you glad mom got Olivia here?'

Elliot wondered what was going through his daughter's mind. Once again, he was grateful to Kathy for being the one to bring Liv back. He could only hope his children would really be okay with their friendship - if he could start that up again with Liv. Finally he answered, 'Yes, I am. Are you okay with that?'

Maureen smiled. She had turned into a very wise young woman and he was so proud of her and her own little family. 'Whatever makes you happy daddy. Mom told me herself, not to get in your way. So I won't. We all won't.'

Elliot could hardly believe Kathy had spoken to the children about this. As tears filled his eyes, he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and hid his face in his hands. Suddenly all the emotions of the past week came flooding back and he could not contain them anymore. Maureen put her arms around him and he cried silently. He didn't care about the guests that were still there. He buried his wife today. He was entitled to grieve.


	12. Chapter 12: A beer

**Alright, since writing is going so well for me at the moment, here are two new chapters at once!  
** **Guests , please sign up here at so I can reply to your kind reviews. They are all appreciated!**

12.

Around 6.30 pm most of the guests had finally left and the children were also starting to say their goodbyes. Little Luke was already asleep in his car seat but big brother James expressed his fatigue by spinning out of control. This had started to rub off on Noah and Liv asked Elliot if she could take him upstairs so he could get some rest.

'Of course Liv, you don't have to ask,' he told her while scooping up his 3 year old grandson in a brave attempt to calm him down.

It was clear to her that he was exhausted but she guessed he would appreciate it if she stayed a little longer. She was pretty tired herself but she was used to putting her own needs aside. Everyone else came first, as it had always been. She had only partially learned to start looking after herself during her therapy sessions. And taking care of her little bundle of joy also took her mind off of herself.  
But it wasn't only giving with Noah. He returned her love so unconditionally that it had been healing to her. She knew it might not always be like this. Parents had arguments with their kids, no matter how much they loved them - and often because of how much they loved them.  
She could understand better now why some people preferred the company of cats or dogs over people. The animals would love them unconditionally for as long as they lived. There was no deception, no hidden agenda and no betrayal. There was none of that yet in Noah either and she could only hope he would stay this pure growing up. She would do everything in her power to protect him and allow him to grow into a well-balanced, dependable man.  
As they went through their evening ritual, albeit a little early, her son calmed down and soon he was sitting in his bed, leaning comfortably against his mother's side, her arm around him, while she read him several short bedtime stories. They always carried a few small books in his diaper bag and they came in handy now. When she felt him dozing off a bit, she scooted out of the bed carefully and arranged his pillow and blanket before kissing him on his forehead.

'Goodnight my love,' she whispered and she smiled at her beautiful boy. His eyes were closed already and she stroked his cheek one more time before leaving the bedroom.

When Liv got back downstairs, everyone had left. The caterers were almost finished packing up and Elliot was sitting on the couch, quietly talking about the events of the day with Eli. She really wanted to kick off her shoes as she flopped on the chair opposite the couch but she hesitated. Then she noticed four shoes under the coffee table and two ties on top of it. Hell, why not ... she kicked off her high heels and pulled her legs up underneath her on the chair, while making sure her skirt stayed in place. She now wished she had worn pants. She noticed Elliot glancing at her a few times but his main focus remained on his young son. Eli was babbling about one of his classmates that had also been at the funeral service and he obviously like this girl a lot. She could tell Elliot was enjoying his son's chatter, it seemed to relax him. When the caterers had carried the last of their boxes outside, Liv got up to thank them and see them out, earning her another glance from Elliot. Walking back to the chair she took off her blazer and tossed it on the chair before asking the two Stablers if they cared for another drink.

'You want another drink son?' Elliot asked his youngest. Eli shook his head. 'No dad, can I go upstairs to play some video games?' He had not been home all week and probably missed his own room and his games. 'Sure,' Elliot said, 'but just for half an hour okay? I will come and tuck you in soon.'  
Eli nodded and got up to go upstairs. As he passed her, Liv ran her hand through his blonde curls and he looked up at her with a serious look in his blue eyes. 'Goodnight Olivia. Take good care of my daddy, okay?'

'Uh ... I ... I will Eli. Goodnight.' Liv stammered as the young boy rushed up the stairs, leaving the adults a little taken aback. Liv avoided looking at Elliot as she turned around quickly to head to the kitchen. 'A beer okay?' she asked casually while going into the kitchen.

'Yeah, sure ...' she heard him say just before the door closed behind her. Quite unexpectedly, she felt tears welling in her eyes. She blinked a few times to get rid of the annoying moist, wondering what had brought it on in the first place. 'I must be too tired,' she thought. And a young boy asking her to take care of his daddy was just too much. Especially when his daddy was Elliot Stabler. She took two beers out of the refrigerator and made sure she looked like her normal, composed self before returning to the living room.

 _I don't need this. Why can't someone take care of me for a change!_

She felt like she had shouted the words out loud, but of course she had not. She really was beat and just wanted to crawl up in a corner and hide away from everything and everyone for a while. She handed Elliot his beer and returned to the chair opposite the couch, trying desperately to push away that thought that kept getting louder in her head. Maybe she was just getting old. While she wasn't one to feel sorry for herself, she was just too damn tired. The past ten days had been an emotional roller coaster and she felt completely drained.  
She looked at Elliot, who also seemed to be deep in thought. They sat in silence for quite a while. Elliot offered her another beer but she said she shouldn't because she was driving.

'You don't have to,' Elliot said, a question in his eyes that could not be missed. He wanted her to stay.

'El ...'

He put up his hands defensively. 'I know, I'm sorry. I have no right whatsoever to ask anything from you.'

She could not help wondering what he had been thinking about just before. It must have been about her - them - for him to react this way. She did not know what to say. She felt it was his turn to talk but today was about the least appropriate day to do that. And he was too tired as well. They might end up in a heated argument and say things they would regret later. And as much as she needed to hear from him "why", this was not a good time. So once again, she set aside her own needs. She suppressed a deep sigh and softly cleared her throat.

'All right. I'll have another beer, if you are still offering.'

He looked up very surprised. 'Are you sure?'

She smiled faintly and nodded. 'Just don't expect me to move in.'

He laughed and they both finally relaxed. He got up to get their beer and after a while two beers had turned into four or five. They talked about Kathy's final days and her funeral, his children, her Noah and her job. They even went down memory lane briefly and laughed about some silly suspect they had once cornered together.  
Elliot suddenly remembered he had promised Eli to tuck him in and rushed upstairs. He came back within minutes, Eli had already fallen asleep.

'Your boy is sleeping soundly as well,' he told his former partner while sitting down on the couch again.

She smiled. 'He is the perfect kid.'

'Of course he is - he is yours.'

As soon as he had said it, he wanted to bite his tongue. Liv looked away from him. He did not want her to tense up again, not when they had just relaxed and were finally getting back to some normal conversation. Anything he would say now would just make things worse, but saying nothing would as well. And he really wanted her to stay. He could not bear to be alone now. Not with the emptiness that had remained now that Kathy was no longer in the house. The days after her death when her body had still been with him, it had not seemed so real yet. But now the irreversibility was staring him in the face - she was never coming back. And while he had made peace with her death and he knew she was in a better place, he could not face the loneliness he had seen in so many people who had lost their mate. He was feeling very vulnerable and the one person he wanted to be with now was Liv. His strong, feisty, independent, reliable Liv, who had seen him in his worst shape and had never left his side.

And then he had left her.

How could he ever expect her to stand by him after that? What right did he have to even ask her to be here? Yet here she was. She had stayed and was possibly going to stay the night again, just like the day Kathy had passed away. He had to do something to make her know how grateful he was. But she did not want him to thank her at every turn, that's what she had said. He looked at her face as she was staring at some undefined point in the distance. She looked older than he had remembered her but she was ageing beautifully. Some of the newer lines indicated that she had suffered. He had heard something about her being abducted some time ago but he did not know the details. He dreaded the thought that he himself had caused her to suffer as well. He wanted to reach out to her and take away the pain he could see in her eyes as she continued to avoid looking at him. But he knew better. She might bite off his hand ... He grinned at this thought, and she suddenly asked: 'What's so funny?'


	13. Chapter 13: Getting drunk

13.

It was her turn to grin, seeing how startled he was. He felt like he had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He was wrecking his brain, trying to come up with the right thing to say. He decided that plain honesty might just work this time and admitted: 'I was thinking what I could say or do to help you relax again, but I was afraid you would bite my hand off.'  
It worked, because Liv suddenly laughed out loud. 'You know me too well, Stabler.'

'I do, Benson. Which is how I know when to back off.'

 _I just haven't figured out how to get closer again after backing off_ , he thought. But Liv seemed to relax and he was hoping they could continue their conversation. He enjoyed just sitting here with her and talking. Not thinking about his new status as a widower for a while and just _being_.

'Just don't back off too far,' Liv said, 'or we won't be able to hear each other.'

He smiled, grateful that she was giving him space. She got up, urgently needing a break after drinking so much beer. While she was away he decided to put a bottle of red wine and two glasses on the coffee table. He did not open the bottle yet because he wanted her to decide if they were going to continue drinking. When she returned he saw she noticed the bottle and the glasses immediately. She looked at him a bit puzzled.

'Are you sure, Stabler?' she asked. 'You want to get plastered?'

She flopped on the couch beside him, taking the bottle of wine in her hand.

'You do know that alcohol can make people say and do things they would never say or do sober,' she remarked, pensively.

She wondered if he was perhaps working up the courage to really talk to her. He should not need alcohol to do that. And they were both too tired to have a serious discussion anyway.

'Perhaps it would be better just to turn in early. You should be able to sleep on all those beers. Besides,' she added playfully, 'if you really want to get drunk, you should get something stronger. You have any scotch in the house?'

He did. He got up and she watched him as he took off his jacket, throwing it on top of her blazer on the chair, before walking over to the liquor cabinet. She saw his muscles moving under his white shirt and could not help staring. He was a little older but he had clearly stayed in shape after his resignation. He turned around, showing her another bottle.

'Better?'

'Better.'

He put the wine and the wine glasses away and came back with a bottle of scotch and two large whiskey glasses. 'I'll get us some ice,' he said and walked to the kitchen.

Liv felt her heart beating a bit faster than before. Was she really going to get drunk with Elliot? She had gotten in trouble before, drinking too much. She would have to watch herself and make sure she would not lose control. What would happen if she did? Would she let out all of her anger and hurt or would she give in to her attraction to Elliot? And either way, would she hate herself in the morning?

Elliot returned with a small bucket of ice and put some in their glasses. He poured the scotch and gave her a glass. They toasted to nothing in particular and drank in silence, both leaning against the back of the couch. Liv stared at the ceiling and thought of Kathy. Was she watching them from above? Why did she ask her if she loved Elliot? She knew they had been good friends, wasn't that enough? She was afraid to continue her line of thinking. There was still too much left unsaid. Kathy had told her Elliot would explain everything but he hadn't so far. The circumstances had prevented it, until now. Kathy was gone and all practical reasons for her to be around were as well. The reason she was still here was the fact that Kathy had asked her to look out for Elliot. And because she was still waiting for that explanation they had both promised her. But not tonight, she thought. Tonight was a night to forget everything else and just relax. She pulled the pin out that had been holding her hair up and shook her head to loosen it. She was fully aware that Elliot was suddenly staring at her and stubbornly avoided his gaze.

As the alcohol level in their blood continued to rise, more silly stories from the past came up and they actually had fun together. After they had finished the entire bottle of scotch Liv decided someone would have to be the wisest, so she suggested they call it a night. She had a long weekend coming but Noah would not let her sleep in, so she really needed to rest. Elliot seemed to agree but he had clearly drank more than she had and was having trouble getting up from the couch. He accepted her hand and she pulled him up, stepping back quickly to prevent him from bumping in to her and possible knocking her over. He was unsteady on his feet and while she wasn't exactly sober either anymore, she managed to get him upstairs and into his bedroom. He turned around to face her with a silly grin on his face.

'Liv ... I wanna ... No wait, you don't want me to thank you ...'

Liv was holding on to both his shoulders now to keep him from keeling over.

'El! Just go to bed and sleep. I will see you in the morning,' she said sternly.

He nodded but just when she wanted to turn around, he wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her in. Before she knew what hit her, he had planted a kiss on her cheek - his new-found way to thank her. Then he put his other arm around her too and hugged her tightly. The heavy drinking had made him very clumsy but Liv appreciated the spontaneous gesture. There was nothing romantic about it. He was practically drooling on her shoulder and she could not help laughing. She carefully peeled his arms off of her, while trying not to enjoy the way he smelled or the touch of his cheek against hers.

'You're welcome El,' she said softly. 'Now go and rest.'

He backed away like a schoolboy and she smiled as she turned around to go to the bathroom. Brushing her teeth was an effort and when she finally got into bed, wearing El's shirt again, she fell asleep almost immediately.


	14. Chapter 14: Volunteer

**This chapter was a bit of a struggle and it turned out differently than I had expected. I hope you like it - let me know!  
No worries, I am still on track for my intended ending. I know you are all getting as antsy as Liv to hear Elliot's explanation but it will take a few more chapters ... :o**

14.

When Liv woke up the next morning it was already past 9. Much to her surprise, Noah's bed was empty. She got up quickly to find him but he wasn't anywhere upstairs. Then she heard voices downstairs and found Noah playing with Eli and Elliot in the living room. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs to look at them. Elliot wasn't fully dressed yet, in just a pair of grey boxers and a white t-shirt. Noah was dressed and so was Eli. How could this be? Elliot had really been out of it last night, how could he already be up and about taking care of the kids?

When he noticed her, he smiled and by way of explanation said: 'I woke up at 5 and couldn't sleep anymore. So I got Noah when I heard he was awake. Figured you could use some extra sleep.'

'Thanks,' Liv said but Elliot shook his head. 'No no, we don't say that around here. Your turn.'

He tapped his own cheek with his index finger as he walked up to her, a boyish smile on his face. His intention was unmistakable and she really had no choice. Well, she did but she didn't mind and gave him a small peck on the cheek. She smiled and then she turned around quickly and headed to the kitchen to get a bite to eat. She wanted to get dressed but she only had the formal outfit she had worn to the funeral. After breakfast, she told Elliot she needed to get home and change. She needed to get home anyway. She couldn't just stay here, could she?

'I like having you here Liv,' Elliot admitted, 'but I understand that you have your own life. I'd like to keep in touch though.'

'Me too,' she replied softly.  
She would be checking in with him regularly, like she had promised Kathy. But he was right, she had her own life to get back to. She had the weekend to herself and she usually enjoyed her time alone with Noah. The prospect of three days alone with her son should have made her happy but she realized that she also needed some adult company at times. Before, she would often meet Nick Amaro while they both had some quality time with her son and his daughter. It had been different after Nick left and she had found herself sitting alone on a bench at the playground more often than she liked.

As if reading her mind, Elliot suggested they might meet up on Saturday with their boys. 'It'll get me out of the house and the boys seem to be getting along too,' he added.

'Right. And where do I fit in this equation?' She had fired off the question before really thinking about it and she could tell Elliot didn't understand where it had come from. Why did she have to say that anyway ... this wasn't the best day to go badass on him, now was it?

'Um ... I'm sorry Liv. I guess I thought you would like the idea too ...' he said hesitantly while taking a few steps in her direction.

Actually, she did. But she wasn't going to say that outright. Why was she being so sensitive about it?

'Oh, it's okay,' she quickly said. 'You're right, the boys will enjoy it. Are you sure you are up to it though? You've been through so much lately,' she added, immediately deflecting attention away from herself.

Elliot looked at her with his piercing blue eyes for a few seconds, as if he was trying to figure out what she was really thinking. She was starting to feel a little uncomfortable under his gaze but she certainly wasn't going to let him see that.

'Well?' she asked. 'You can't tell me you are just going to shrug all of this off and get on with your life.'

He finally stopped staring at her and turned back around to the boys. 'Of course not.' He sounded tired but also a little annoyed. 'But I am not going to stay cooped up in this house with Eli either. He has school during the week and I have my volunteer work, so I want to make our weekends fun for him. I'm sure you do the same for Noah.'

She had to agree but the other thing he mentioned had peeked her attention.

'You do volunteer work?'

She sat down on the armrest of the couch, a mixture of surprise and curiosity in her eyes. He turned back around and looked at her up and down. She was suddenly very much aware that she was still wearing his shirt, and not much else, and he was also not yet dressed for the day. Fortunately, Noah came running up to her at that moment and she pulled him up on her lap, while Elliot started telling her about his volunteer work. After his resignation from NYPD he had signed up at a local domestic violence shelter. They were very happy to have a former SVU detective join their counselling team and he mainly had contact with boys who had been the victim of domestic violence at the hands of their fathers.

'These boys often don't know what it means to be a man, because the father was such a poor role model. I try to help them by being a kind of surrogate father to them, and by giving them more positive experiences in life. The women on our team do the same for the girls.'

Liv was impressed. It seemed like a very logical step after SVU. 'It is,' Elliot agreed. 'We pick up where the police leaves off. We really make a difference in these kids' lives by showing them a way out of the cycle of violence. It is very rewarding. Maybe I can take you there some time so you can see what we do.'

However interesting it was, Liv felt uneasy. She couldn't put her finger on it just yet but she felt like backing away, while Elliot seemed to want to pull her into his life. A day out with the kids, a visit to the shelter where he worked. What was this? She had promised Kathy she would look out for Elliot - and she was very good at looking out for others - but she couldn't help feeling a little uncomfortable with his spontaneous suggestions. She waved off the idea while getting up and putting Noah back down on the floor. 'We'll see about that. I need to get dressed now. Can you watch Noah a bit longer while I change? We'll be out of your hair soon.'

'Sure, you don't need to ask. You will have some coffee before you go, right?'

She smiled, nodded and went back upstairs to get dressed.


	15. Chapter 15: Coney Island

15.

It was good to be back home and in casual clothes again. Liv was enjoying her extra day off and her weekend with Noah and they had fun 'cleaning' the apartment together. Noah was mostly making a mess again but she did not care. She felt so blessed, having this little person living with her and watching him discover the world. A spoon could be such an interesting object to make faces at, and the goldfish she had recently bought for him was being fed dozens of times a day. Which was why she had to clean the bowl almost every night but that didn't matter. She was finally succeeding in living together with someone and she knew this worked because her son had no hidden agenda, no ulterior motives, no secrets. He simply loved her because she was his mother. And she couldn't love him more. She realized that everything Elliot had ever told her about having children was true. Even though Noah wasn't even her blood, she knew she would kill for him and even give her own life for him. A mother's love was truly unconditional. But this also made her painfully aware of the love she had _not_ received from her own mother. The one person who was supposed to love her unconditionally had failed miserably. She saw that a lot in her line of work as well, unfortunately. And however understandable the circumstances sometimes were, they still produced damaged people. Liv knew she was damaged. And she knew she had built a high, thick wall around her heart to prevent anyone from hurting her. The few times she had let anyone peek inside, she had been hurt again. So now it was just her and Noah. Noah did not hurt her.

She thought about Elliot's volunteer work. She knew Elliot's father had beaten him regularly as well when he was a child, so he could certainly relate to the kids he was counselling. And so could she. They were both damaged goods and that must have been why they were so dedicated to righting wrongs in the world. She felt a pang in her heart when she thought about it further. Elliot had known she was damaged. She had let him peek inside, behind her defences. And he had hurt her anyway. So the wall had come back up. She did not deny she had feelings for him but she did not want to get hurt again. But she had promised Kathy she would look out for Elliot so she had agreed to meet him and Eli the next weekend on Saturday to go to Coney Island. There was a kiddie park with several rides that were suitable for both Noah and Eli so it should be fun for the boys. No doubt, she would have fun herself but it still felt a little strange. They would look like a happy little family to the other people in the park. If only they knew.

She had a normal week at work first and Liv was happy to be in her own rhythm again. Elliot and his situation were lingering in the back of her mind all week but she was focused on the job. Putting away a rapist for 25 to life was a good reminder why she loved doing this so much. She could see the light returning in the eyes of the victims already after the conviction. They were survivors and they would eventually regain control over their lives. She texted Elliot a few times during the week and he seemed to be doing alright. He had started working again at the shelter on Wednesday and Eli was back in school. He told her Eli was really looking forward to Saturday and asked her to say hi for them both to Noah.

...

That Saturday morning, Elliot and Eli were a little early and she let them come up while she packed Noah's diaper bag. They were doing quite well with potty training at home and at the day care centre but when they were away from home all day, Liv preferred just to stay on the safe side. She noticed Elliot walking around her living room, checking out the apartment. He had not been to this address before. The boys were in Noah's room and Noah was showing Eli his toy collection.

'Nice place,' Elliot said. 'Have you lived here long?'

'A little over two years,' she replied. 'I moved here with Brian after ...' She hesitated, not wanting to mention _his_ name and then noticed the surprised look on Elliot's face.

'Brian?!'

'Yeah ... you remember him. Brian Cassidy.'

He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again and breathed out slowly. Of course he remembered Brian Cassidy. He couldn't believe she had apparently hooked up with him again. The way he remembered it, Brian had been a one night stand that Liv had regretted ever since. After the guy left SVU, because he didn't have the stomach for the cases they had to work, Liv had never mentioned him again. As he watched her walk to Noah's room to get the boys, he tried to shake it off. It was none of his business who she dated. It never had been. Still, Cassidy was obviously not living with her anymore so no need to dwell on it.  
When everyone was ready they took Elliot's car to drive to Coney Island.

As expected, they all had a good time. The boys got their respective parents' full attention and a lot of photos were taken of the kids in the various rides. There were a few where Noah had to be accompanied by an adult so Elliot took several snapshots of Liv and Noah too, with both their phones. When both boys were in a merry-go-round and the adults could finally sit down for a cup of coffee that afternoon, Liv asked how Elliot was doing.

He wiggled his head in a 'so-so' manner and then smiled at her. 'I knew this was coming. I'll adjust.'

'That doesn't mean it is easy.'

'It isn't. But I'll be fine,' he said, and gesturing to Eli he added, 'I have to be.'

Liv nodded. That part she understood. He was dedicated to his son. 'But what about after Eli goes to bed at night?'

Elliot took a deep breath. 'It's quiet. Very quiet,' he added with a sad smile. 'But I guess it's good to really let it sink in that she's gone.'

Liv remained silent and he studied her face while she wasn't looking at him. She was still as beautiful as ever and motherhood definitely agreed with her. Just like he had always known it would. She had so much love to give and he found it unbelievable that she had never found a man who could see and appreciate that. Granted, she wasn't easy to get close to. He had even been scared off once or twice by her famous Benson glare. But still, how could she still be single? Men were idiots, he admitted to himself.

He was going to ask how she was doing when she got a phone call.

'It's work, I have to take this,' she said. 'Sorry ...' She got up and walked a few feet away to answer the phone. He watched her while she spoke softly with whoever was at the other end of the line, a serious look on her face. She was still dedicated to the job, to getting justice for survivors of abuse. He smiled and watched her wrap up her conversation. She walked back over to him, frowning a bit. Then she looked at him, one eyebrow raised.

'What?' he asked.

'What are you so happy about?'

'Nothing.'

The smile had disappeared from his face and he asked if everything was all right at work.

'No, it's not. I'm afraid I have to go.' She looked at the merry-go-round to see where Noah was.

'You can leave Noah with me,' Elliot offered right away. 'They are having a good time. You can pick him up when you're done.'

'It's only 2.30. Are you sure?' she asked.

'Absolutely. Do what you have to do. Call me when you are done, so you will know where we are. You do trust me with him, don't you?'

That was a completely redundant question and she frowned at him. He put his hands up defensively and she seemed to relax. Of course she would trust him with her son. She handed him Noah's diaper bag and then walked over to the merry-go-round to find Noah. She waved at him and Eli, explaining quickly that she had to leave for a bit. 'You can stay with Eli and Elliot, okay?' Noah nodded and yelled 'bye mommy', hardly paying any attention to her. She almost looked disappointed but shrugged it off as she returned to the table where they had been sitting. 'I guess he won't be missing me ...' she mumbled. 'I'm off now, will get a cab to Manhattan. Thanks El ...'  
He smiled broadly because she had used the forbidden word. She seemed to realize it too but put up one hand while turning away from him quickly. 'Not now.'

'Rain check?' he asked, in a feeble attempt to make her smile again while she got her purse and coat. But she just glared at him briefly and he wondered why she suddenly seemed a little upset. He got no chance to ask her as she walked away quickly.

'Call you later!' And off she went.


	16. Chapter 16: On the job

16.

Liv closed her eyes and leaned her head back once she had gotten into the cab. She felt uneasy about the way she had rushed off but she also wasn't comfortable with the way Elliot was behaving towards her. It looked almost like he was trying to forget there had been a gap of almost five years and was trying to pick up where they had left off - even taking things a bit further with these obligatory pecks on the cheek whenever they wanted to say thanks to each other. However much she wished they could go back to the way things used to be, she simply couldn't. He defense mechanism was kicking in and she felt she was starting to push him away. While they had been best friends, he had completely ignored her for years. She was patient because of his wife's recent death, knowing he had a lot to deal with. But putting on an act was not her style. Not this time anyway. She really had enjoyed their day together with the boys and seeing Noah and Eli having so much fun was a treat. Still, her unanswered questions were resurfacing now that the first emotions surrounding Kathy's death and her funeral were subsiding. If he wasn't going to address the issue, she might have to bring it up herself ... which was not something she was looking forward to.

There was little time to worry about it any further after she arrived at the station. Fin and Carisi had caught a case overnight and were bringing in a large group of women and girls that had been discovered in a warehouse and were apparently the victims of sex trafficking. They needed everyone on board to take their statements in several languages while a SWAT team was going after the traffickers. She kept busy for the rest of the afternoon and well into the evening. She was starting to feel a little guilty about leaving Noah with Elliot for so long - but then again, he knew how hectic things could get at SVU. It was her job to make sure everyone's paperwork was in order, including her own, and she listened in on the interrogation of one of the suspects for a while to get a better feel for the case.

Around 9 pm she sent Elliot a brief text message: _'Still working, sorry. Noah okay? Liv.'_

He replied within ten minutes: _'All OK here. We are home, getting the boys ready for bed. Your ETA?'_

She did not know when she'd be there and did not reply right away. Also, since Elliot was putting Noah to bed at his house she was probably looking at another sleepover. And she definitely did not feel like it. Not now anyway ... As the evening progressed it became more obvious that she would not be going anywhere soon. She decided to let Elliot know and called him at 10.

'Hey Liv. Still hard at work?'

'Yeah, it's a huge case. Is Noah asleep?'

'Sleeping like a log. He and Eli had a great time today. When do you think you will get here?'

She had thought about that and said: 'You know, if it's alright with you, could I pick him up early tomorrow morning? Once I get out of here I would really just like to go home, take a shower and sleep.'

She hoped he would understand and would not mind Noah staying with them. It was quiet at the other end of the line for a while and Liv wondered if Elliot was disappointed. She was going to ask if he was still there when she heard him say, 'Sure Liv. No problem.' He did sound disappointed.

'You understand, don't you?' she asked.

'Yeah, I do. I just ... well, I had hoped to see you tonight.'

Now it was her turn to be at a loss for words. Had he perhaps planned to finally really talk with her tonight? Or was it something else? After a long pause, she simply asked, 'Why?'

He was silent again, as if he was debating what to tell her and what not. She heard him sigh and could picture him rubbing his eyes. She was somewhat disappointed herself when he just said 'It doesn't matter. Tomorrow morning is fine. Noah is no trouble at all, we're happy to have him over.'

'Thanks El,' she said. 'I will be there early so we won't upset your plans for tomorrow.'

'That is not an issue Liv, we don't have any plans. Take your time and ... be safe.'

She could not suppress a smile. That sounded like the Elliot she had worked with.

'I will. Don't wait up, I will be there early tomorrow.'

She sighed after she had ended the call. Was it ever going to be less complicated with this man?

...

She hadn't told him what time she would be coming over so Elliot was up and about early that Sunday morning. He noticed he was peeking outside regularly, hoping to see her car in the driveway. The boys were still in their PJ's and he watched his son with Liv's little boy. Eli was thrilled to have Noah around, it was almost like he had a little brother he could teach all kinds of things. Granted, the things he was teaching Noah might not all be very useful but he loved to watch them be goofy together. Also, it took Eli's mind off the loss of his mother in a positive way.  
He made some coffee and hoped Liv would get there soon. He loved having her around and wanted to hear more about the years of her life he had missed. He had come across some news items about her a few years ago. She had been missing for four days and when she was found, they had found her abductor almost beaten to death. By her. He could only imagine what had happened to her but he would rather not think about it. The guy was a rapist and a murderer and he had her for four days ...

He had not heard about it until afterwards, but he still felt he should have been there for her. He had contemplated contacting her to see how she was doing but had decided that he would probably be the last person she wanted to see. And he did not blame her. In fact, he had not expected her to be so kind to him and his family now. He did not feel he deserved her kindness. She certainly had not deserved to be treated the way he had treated her. He should at least have responded to one of her messages to let her know he would not be back. He now regretted not saying goodbye to her and he needed to tell her that. But he was afraid to tell her why he had left her the way he had. He feared that it would change their relationship forever. Her friendship had always been very important to him and he hoped there was something left between them to rekindle that. He had a feeling there was but he wasn't sure she would want it, without an explanation about how he had left her. He was even less sure after the look she had given him the day before. And would she want it _with_ that explanation? That was the biggest question for him.

Elliot sighed and turned away from the window. Still no sign of Liv's car. He walked to the kitchen for another cup of coffee, half-expecting to find Kathy there. He shook his head. If Kathy had still been there, Liv still would not have been back in his life. He had made sure of that. How could he ever make it up to Liv?

...

 **Please leave a review, it motivates me to keep writing!**


	17. Chapter 17: Coffee

**It's funny how a story can get away from you. I am writing stuff I had never thought of when I wrote the outlines of this fanfic. I guess I'm going to be writing more chapters than I had intended. Hope you don't mind! Here is another one of those unexpected scenes before we get to the tough part ...**

 **Message for user mom2knjj, since you have private messages disabled: I appreciated your review a lot - it is exactly my goal to write this as it might actually happen on the show! - Hence no repeated M/MA rated scenes! :)  
To everyone else: thank you for your continued interest and feedback!  
**

17.

'Mommy!'

Noah came running towards her at the front door of the Stabler house and Liv scooped him up to give him a big hug. She had taken her time to get there after all, really enjoying her time alone that morning. She had slept until eight. Not having to listen to her son's happy chatter at six in the morning wasn't as bad as she had thought. But because she had promised Elliot that she would get there early, she did not waste much time getting ready after getting up. The weather was finally improving and she had put on a white V-neck t-shirt, tight jeans and a pair of simple white loafers. She was thinking of taking Noah to the park and did not expect to need a coat.

'Good morning Liv.' Elliot said. 'What time did you get home?'

'Around midnight. So it was a good decision to just go home,' she added.

Elliot nodded. 'Beats crashing at the station, doesn't it?'

She glanced at him, remembering the many times he had done just that while he and Kathy were separated. She was used to being alone and he definitely was not. Which was probably why he was so happy to see her again, she thought. Did he think she did not notice he was staring at her? She looked back at him with one eyebrow raised, trying to ignore the fact that Noah was making a mess of her hair.

'So, can I get some coffee too or are you just going to stand there?' she finally said. Elliot quickly dropped his gaze, looking at the half-empty coffee mug in his hand.

'Oh, sure, sorry ...' he mumbled and he hurried to the kitchen. Liv could not help wondering what he had been thinking. She set Noah back down and he immediately dragged her over to the dinner table to show him what he had been drawing. Well, scratching mostly. She sat down with the boys and Eli also showed her his drawings. He was quite the artist and she complimented him on his use of colours. Elliot returned and parked a mug of coffee in front of her while taking the seat opposite her at the table.

He was looking well. He had taken up shaving again and she had to admit she preferred it to the stubble beard he had before. He smelled nice too and he always looked great in a tight shirt and jeans ... _Benson, get a grip!_ she told herself as she turned her attention to the boys again. Sure, she had watched him secretly like this many times, when he was still sitting at his desk at the precinct. But that was a different time. She was here to make sure he was alright, nothing more.

Elliot leaned over to check out the artwork of his son and she smelled his aftershave again. She had a funny feeling in her stomach and took a quick sip of coffee. It was too hot and she jumped up, nearly spilling the rest of her coffee on the table. Elliot had also jumped up and quickly reached over to take the mug from her hand, putting it back on the table.

'Are you okay?' he asked as he walked over to her side of the table. He sounded worried but she could clearly see in his eyes that he found it very amusing to catch her off guard.

'Yeah, I'm fine,' she replied, quickly checking her white shirt for any stains while she licked a few drops of coffee from her fingers. But she had not spilled any more after all. He was eying her shirt as well - or was it her cleavage? - and she needed to put an end to this uncomfortable scene immediately.

'El!'

'Hmm?'

He looked at her face now. He was too close.

'Stop it!'

'Stop what Liv?'

He was clearly having fun and she could not suppress a half-smile.

'Go away. Shoo!' she said playfully, gesturing him to move away from her and he now laughed out loud. But he complied and sat down at the other side of the table again, shaking his head, still smiling.

'You're impossible,' she muttered. The boys had meanwhile decided they also wanted a drink and headed for the kitchen. Eli was going to teach Noah how to pour lemonade, he told them. Liv looked at Elliot.

'Can he do that?' she asked.

'Sure he can, he's almost nine,' Elliot replied, loud enough so his son could hear him. Eli beamed with pride and dragged Noah along into the kitchen. His birthday wasn't until November but they had said this ever since he turned eight.

The adults sat in silence for a short while and Liv hoped the kids would be back soon. She had wondered if Elliot would bring up the way she had left Coney Island the day before but he said nothing about it. He asked about the case in stead. She did not feel like discussing it with him and just said it was huge and they hoped to shut down an entire operation in just a few days.

'So what kept you so busy yesterday?' he asked and she wondered why he was so interested. She said casually that she had helped interview the victims and that there was a lot of paperwork. He seemed to pick up that she wasn't going to go into the details and did not ask about it anymore. Perhaps he was missing the job? Then the kids came back in, both carrying a glass of lemonade carefully. The adults watched while Noah placed his glass on the table, both ready to jump in, but it actually went well. When Liv looked over at Elliot she saw him watching her again. She squinted and he looked away. This was getting awkward. Fortunately the kids were there and they finished their coffee while chatting with the boys.

'You have any plans for today?' Elliot asked her as he got up to put away their mugs. She shrugged. 'Not really. I thought maybe I could take Noah to the park to feed the ducks. The weather is finally improving.' He nodded, then walked to the kitchen. She wondered if she should invite him and Eli to join them but she really didn't want to. Not like this. Sure, they had fun when they were out together but she felt as if she was in a play. It wasn't real. She did not know if it was too soon to start pushing him to talk but she refused to put up an act while she was waiting for him to be ready to explain his actions. So instead of pushing, she was pulling away.

When Elliot returned she got up to get Noah's things. She knew very well that he would like them to stay longer but he didn't say anything. She wanted to thank him for allowing Noah to sleep over but even that was getting uncomfortable. So she just looked at him as he walked them out. He had a serious look in his eyes but he seemed uncertain about what to say to her. She decided to let him off the hook for now and put her hand on his forearm.

'Bye El. Talk to you soon.'

He nodded. 'Talk to you soon.'


	18. Chapter 18: Torn

**Alright, a little bit of history and soul searching is coming up. Maybe not the most exciting chapter but in order to 'get' where Elliot is coming from, it has to be explained. It's short but sweet (I hope). Feedback is always appreciated!**

18.

Another week went by and aside from a few text messages, Elliot did not hear from Liv. He was keeping busy at the shelter but at night, he felt lonely. He missed Kathy, naturally, but his thoughts drifted to his former partner more and more too.

He and Kathy had married very young. They had only gotten to know each other after they were married an already had a child. It had not been easy. They both had a temper and it had taken them years to establish a way that they could work together as a team and raise their kids in a responsible manner. Kathy had done most of the raising because he was always working, but they had kept it together. He wasn't head over heels in love with his wife and aside from the very first months, he didn't think he had ever been. His life had always been about taking responsibility and working hard. He needed to prove to the world, and perhaps mostly to himself, that he was a good man. Not a failure, like his father had told him so many times he was.  
Kathy had done everything in her power to confirm to him that he was not a failure but she was also only human. She had her needs and it had been very difficult for her, with four kids and later even five, to do most of it on her own. Elliot had come to appreciate Kathy enormously. She was strong and dedicated. Yes, she got angry at times but he really could not blame her for that. However, she had always acknowledged him and his efforts to do the right thing. And she loved him. So in the end, they had lived together kind of like a brother and sister. A brother and sister who loved and appreciated each other very much. They had been content with it.

Elliot knew that there was another way to live. He saw it all around him and the radio and TV were full of it. He was a passionate man himself but most of his passion had gone into fighting for victims of abuse and against the demons of his childhood. Having an equally passionate working partner beside him had only propelled him on. He had marvelled at her insatiable quest for getting justice sometimes but in fact, she was his mirror image. Angry, dedicated, fearless, and fighting demons of her own. While Kathy had usually soothed him and reminded him of the people who depended on him to be safe, _she_ had riled him up and made him feel so alive when they were out there, chasing perps and fighting for a cause. He had felt torn between his home and his job - and in the end he had to admit, between Kathy and Liv.

So when the time came to make a choice, he had an impossible decision to make. How could he make Liv understand that? He needed to see her, to talk to her. But he was afraid. Now that Kathy was gone, he was more afraid than ever. He might lose both of them. He thought he already had but then Kathy made sure Liv came back in his life. She knew he needed her.

As Elliot was pondering, eyes closed, slouched in a chair at night with just one small light on in his living room and a beer in his hand, he felt tears forming behind his eyelids. He needed her. There was no denying it. But he didn't know what to do.


	19. Chapter 19: Rooftop

**Soooo, did everybody enjoy the downtime? LOL I managed to finish another chapter so here we go again!**

19.

Liv was being brought up to speed on a rape case by her team of detectives when she felt her phone buzz in her back pocket. She pulled the phone out and glanced at it. Another message from Elliot? She put her phone away, she would read it later. It was almost noon so he could wait until her lunch break. It was beginning to feel like summer outside and she really wanted to catch some sunlight after being cooped up in her office all week. After the briefing she decided to run out to get some lunch and eat it on the roof. Once she got on the roof, she leaned against a wall and turned her face into the sunshine, eyes closed. The warm sun on her face felt so good and she relaxed, shaking off the details of the rape case they were working on for a while.  
Her phone buzzed again. She sighed. Elliot had finally discovered the joys of WhatsApp. She pulled out her phone and read his messages. There were three already.

 _-Hi (waving hand), are you free for lunch?_

Then 30 minutes later: - _Buzz. Not checking your phone? (sad face)_

And the one he had just sent: - _Was hoping to see you._

She thought about it for a second, then typed her reply: - _Having lunch on the roof right now. Did not see your messages before. It is busy here. Why did you want to see me_ _?_

It seemed like a neutral thing to ask. She had been keeping him at a distance all week. She had not seen him since she had rushed off that morning with Noah. She felt a little guilty about it but it was her way of protecting herself. He should know her well enough to understand that, she thought. Although he probably didn't understand. He had always brought out confliction emotions in her, for as long as she had known him.

She noticed he was online and reading her message. Then he was typing and she waited for his message to show up on her screen.

 _\- Hi there. Finally online I see. I'm right outside. Can I come up?_

He was here? Her heart skipped a beat and she shook her head at her own reaction. _Liv, you are so transparent_ , she thought to herself. In fact, she knew she was anything _but_ transparent but there was no way she could kid herself. Of course she wanted him to come up since he had made the effort to visit her at work. She typed:

 _\- Sure. It's sunny up here._

She was tense. He was going to talk. Why else would he be here? He had wanted to take her out to lunch. Her stomach was churning. She was finally going to get some answers.

Ten minutes later Elliot came through the door and joined her on the roof. He told her he had to fight off several old acquaintances who wanted to say hi before he could manage to get up there. She smiled, nervously. It had been ages since he had last set foot in this building. She was surprised it had taken him only ten minutes to get to her.

Elliot had been extremely motivated to get up to the roof. He wanted badly to cross the distance that was growing between him and Liv. He was still afraid to tell her the real reason for leaving her back in 2011 and never contacting her again. He was hoping that perhaps they could just build on what still remained between them and take it from there. He had seen that she still cared about him over the past few weeks. She had listened to him and had comforted him. She had been kind and understanding. He wanted that in his life. He wanted her in his life. So he wanted to share his life with her.

She was still smiling, waiting for him to explain why he had come to see her. So he told her that he would really like to show her around at the shelter where he volunteered and asked when she would have time for that.

Her smile had disappeared. She was just looking at him now, disbelief in her eyes.

 _'That_ is what you came up here to ask me?'

Her question sounded like a gunshot to him. Was she angry? He didn't understand.

'Yeah. Is there a problem?'

'El ... seriously?' She looked at him like he was from another planet.

'Liv, I ...' He started to walk over to her but he hesitated when he was met by the famous Benson glare as she walked right past him. In a reflex he grabbed her arm. She spun around, pulling her arm away.

'Don't you touch me!' she hissed and Elliot was stunned. What was going on?

Liv didn't know why she was suddenly losing control. Her emotions were tumbling inside her. Here she was, patiently waiting for Elliot to find himself again after his wife's death so she would finally hear from him why he had ignored her for years. He was taking his time so she had created some distance between them. It was what she did. Keep people at a distance so they could not hurt her. But Elliot had a place inside her heart and he managed to hurt her anyway. She felt she had waited for his explanation long enough and now he was casually suggesting yet another trip they could take together. All of her self-control evaporated at that moment and she was finally exploding.

Seeing his shocked expression almost immediately made her regret her outburst. But she had already lost control, there was no way back now. She took a step back and blinked, trying to hide the tears that were starting to form. She was breathing heavily. His face softened. He had seen her tear up, of course.

'Liv ...' he said again, and he took a step towards her.

She took another step back and put up her hands.

'Elliot, don't,' she sighed.

'I don't understand.'

'I know,' she whispered, and more tears were trying to find a way out. She knew he didn't understand but she felt like he should.

A single tear ran across her cheek and Elliot approached her once again. She didn't move away this time as he gently wiped the tear away with his thumb. His face now very close to hers, he asked softly: 'What's going on, Liv?'

She wanted to run away and she wanted to get even closer to him. But she just stood there, frozen. She looked down at his shoes, then finally she took another step back.

'I just ... I can't do this Elliot.'

She turned away from him before he could see her crying and hurried to the door to go back downstairs. Elliot followed her quickly and she realized they might end up causing a scene if he followed her all the way to her office. So she stopped on one of the platforms in the stairway and turned around, taking a deep breath to steady herself.

'Can we just talk about this some other time El? I need to get back to work.' Her voice sounded shaky but she looked determined.

He looked her over and would have to accept that she didn't want to have this conversation here and now. He wanted to put his arms around her and comfort her and he wanted to understand why she was suddenly so angry and sad at the same time. But if he touched her again, he might set her off again. So he agreed to let her go for now.

'But I will call you tonight,' he added. 'We need to talk about this.'

Liv nodded and rushed off, leaving him a little perplexed in the stairway. When Liv said she couldn't do this, Elliot had begun to understand. He was not going to get away with it. He would have to tell her. And soon.


	20. Chapter 20: Explanation

**A long chapter this time but I want to get this over with. Those two should get on with it already ...**

20.

Liv swallowed hard when she saw she had a missed call and a new message from Elliot that night. She had just put Noah to bed and had taken a long, hot shower. She had poured herself a glass of red wine and was curled up on the couch in front of the TV. She was still upset with the way she had lost control on the roof earlier. The long shower had helped her relax a little but she was still going over it in her mind. She had not planned to corner Elliot but pushing away her own needs could only work for so long. Wasn't it her turn by now? She sighed and then read his message.

 _\- Lunch tomorrow, just U and me?_

He was still online and must have noticed that she was checking her messages. He was typing again ... Liv took a sip of wine while she waited for his next message. Her eyes were glued to the small screen.

 _\- We need to talk._

Her heart started pounding faster in her chest. He wanted to talk. Did he mean 'talk'? As in, _the_ talk? Her fingers were trembling and she cursed inwardly while attempting to reply. She decided to keep it short.

 _\- About what?_

She hesitated before tapping the send-button. Did she really want to know? She couldn't ignore her own reaction to even the _thought_ that he might want to come clean, so yes, she really wanted to know. It was about time. She hit 'send'.

He was still online but not typing. She waited. As seconds passed, she could picture Elliot, phone in hand, sweating over what he would tell her. She was getting nervous. How bad could it be? After a very long minute he finally typed his reply.

 _\- About us._

 **(Dun dun!)**

Liv was shaking and had to put her phone down. She had not realized until then how much she needed this. She had to take a few deep breaths to steady herself. She jumped up and started pacing. She would have to make arrangements for Noah. Could she call Lucy? Tomorrow was Saturday. And why had it taken him so long to realize they needed to talk about this? What could be so difficult about it? She had to answer him, what should she say? Before she could decide, there was another message.

 _\- I asked Kathleen if she could watch the boys for us and she said yes._

She tossed her phone back on the couch and continued pacing. So he was already making arrangements. Which only underlined the seriousness of this 'talk'. She was really worked up now and was sure she wouldn't sleep at all. She sat down again and picked up her phone. He must be waiting for her answer.

 _\- OK. What time?_

 _\- Pick you up at noon?_

 _\- And Noah?_

 _\- Kathleen will be there too._

 _\- OK. See you tomorrow._

She dropped her phone again and picked up her glass of wine. She drank all of it at once and filled the glass up again. This was going to be a very long night.

...

Elliot could see Kathleen smiling in the corner of his eye while he was fidgeting with the buttons of his shirt. He was nervous. He felt like he was getting ready for his prom date or something. Sheesh, it was only Liv. No, not only Liv. It was Liv. And he was going to tell her today. His heart was pounding and his palms were sweaty. He knew that this could go both ways but he had no choice. He had to risk it because if he didn't, he would surely lose her. After seeing the hurt in her eyes on the roof of the station, he could no longer pretend that he didn't know she needed answers. He wasn't going to hide behind the fact that he had just become a widower any longer. It wasn't working anymore. He shouldn't even have tried.

It was time to go and Eli provided a welcome distraction. He was chatting about what they were going to do after they had picked up Noah.

'You like Noah a lot, don't you?' Kathleen asked her brother.

'Yeah', Eli said. 'I finally have a little brother!'

Elliot almost choked on his last sip of orange juice. Kathleen laughed out loud and gave her father a friendly nudge.

'There you go dad, you need any more encouragement?'

He hadn't really told his daughter why he wanted to talk to Liv alone but it seemed she already knew. He looked at her with a slight frown while he put on his jacket.

'Oh, don't tell me you don't know what I mean. It is so obvious dad!' Kathleen said. 'Besides, I'm happy for you.'

He appreciated it a lot. Kathy had clearly paved the way for him. But it remained to be seen if Liv would accept his explanation of how he had left her. As if Kathleen had read his mind, she added:

'I'm sure Olivia will forgive you. She really cares about you dad. Just be honest with her.'

'I will.'

'Good. Now let's go!'

They drove to Liv's apartment building in separate cars because Kathleen would take the boys with her. Elliot was tapping the steering wheel nervously and was glad to be alone in the car. He took a deep breath when he pulled up in front of her building and parked the car.

...

She wasn't ready yet. How did time get away from her? Liv hadn't slept well at all last night and had the weirdest dreams when she did doze off. On top of that, Noah refused to eat anything and he was being very loud. He probably sensed how nervous she was and was making everything more difficult. She nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a knock on the door.

'Just a minute ...!'

She grabbed her leather jacket off the couch and put an extra diaper in Noah's bag while she rushed to the door. She opened it without checking who it was first. She knew who it was. She was actually relieved to see Kathleen and Eli had walked up with Elliot.

'Eli!' Noah shouted, and he ran over to the older boy.

'Hey Noah,' Eli said calmly, straightening his shoulders to look bigger next to the two year old.

Kathleen walked over to Liv to give her a hug and Liv thanked her for taking the kids out.

'No problem, Olivia. You and dad can take your time, don't worry about us. Have fun okay?'

Liv smiled insecurely. She wasn't sure yet they were going to have fun at all. She glanced at Elliot. He was looking nervous as well and smiled faintly.

'Everybody ready?' Kathleen asked. The boys cheered and were already in the hallway. Kathleen quickly followed and a bit slower, Liv and Elliot also walked out of the apartment. They said goodbye to the children and got into Elliot's car. They hadn't said a word to each other yet. Once Elliot had started the car he looked at her and asked:

'How are you doing?'

She glanced at him and quickly looked away.

'I'm fine El.'

She was always fine. Right?

...

He had reserved a table at a very nice restaurant on the second floor. They were seated at the window with a nice view of the busy streets but high enough to be able to eat - and talk - quietly. They ordered their lunch and waited until the waitress brought it over. Elliot wasn't really hungry but they should eat something. Liv had ordered a Caesar salad and he just had a club sandwich with French fries on the side. They ate some of their lunch. Liv was watching the people in the street outside but he could tell she was nervous. She was twirling a lock of her long dark hair with her fingers and she was breathing a little too fast. Her lips were slightly parted and he could not help staring at her mouth for a minute. He had knots in his stomach and he didn't quite know how to start up the conversation. But he would have to. She turned her head and looked at him. He cleared his throat and started to speak.

'Liv, I need to tell you something.'

She did not respond and kept looking at him. She had stopped twirling her hair and put her hands on top of each other in front of her on the table.

'After I shot Jenna, you know, back then ... I was really out of it. I'm sure you understand that part. IAB came after me because it was my sixth shooting and it became clear pretty soon that I was not going to meet their demands. So I decided I was going to retire.'

She still did not say anything, she just looked down at her hands. He was getting to the difficult part.

'I wanna say that I'm sorry I did not discuss that decision with you.'

She looked up.

'You should have talked to me.'

She was almost whispering and he felt her pain. She was still hurting, even after all these years.

'I know. I'm sorry Liv. But there's more. There was a reason I couldn't face you.'

He took a deep breath.

'When we first started working together, I saw you as my equal. We were a perfect match and we were both tough and dedicated to the job. Then, when we started to share more ... stuff, I began to see you as my friend too.'

She nodded slightly.

'But over time I ... also started to notice you as a woman.'

She blinked a few times and swallowed hard. He was trembling and he wasn't sure if he could continue.

'Go on,' she whispered.

'I was married and we were working together, so it was pretty clear that nothing was going to happen between us. I know you also felt that way. There was a clear line between us that could not be crossed.'

'And we didn't.' Liv added softly.

'No, we didn't. But I knew I would have wanted to, under different circumstances.'

She bit her lower lip and frowned, looking back down at her hands.

'And then the circumstances changed. I was going to retire and we would not be working together anymore. I was committed to making my marriage work and I knew I had to make a choice. The line between you and me, that had always been so clear and safe ... it was going to get blurred. And I knew that if I ever crossed it ... just once ... that I would not be able to stop myself. It would destroy both my marriage _and_ our friendship.'

He took another deep breath.

'I knew I could never be just friends with you outside the job Liv.'

She was trembling too and he could tell she was about to start crying. Or yelling. He was never quite sure with her.

'So I made a choice.' he concluded.

'You cut me out of your life.' Her voice was breaking and he could see a storm raging in her big brown eyes.

'I couldn't betray my vows Liv. I would have betrayed myself. I had to do this to preserve myself and my family. I had to choose between them and you because ... because I love you.'

There. He had finally said it and he let out a sigh. She did not say anything and she had closed her eyes. He waited for her to say something. Anything.

'Liv?'

He touched her arm and she flinched, pulling away from him immediately. She was breathing heavily but she looked like she did want to say something.

'And now?' she asked. 'What do you want now?'

'You Liv. I want you back in my life.'

She jumped up, kicking her chair over and she almost lost her balance. All kinds of emotions washed over her face and he could tell she was drowning in them. He got up quickly too and reached for her. But she pushed him away, anger finally winning the battle inside of her. Anger was safe, he knew that better than anyone. Without a word, she stormed off to the ladies room, leaving Elliot at the table, utterly confused.

He had no idea what had just happened. He scanned the room but nobody was really paying attention to him. He threw some money on the table and picked up Liv's purse and jacket. Then he waited outside the ladies room for Liv to come out. She would have to come out eventually and he would be there. He wanted to be there for her, no matter what might be going on.

When Liv finally emerged, he was shocked. Her face was puffy and her eyes red, but completely void of emotion. She grabbed her purse from his hands and told him she wanted to go home.

'Liv, please ... talk to me.' he said softly. He knew he shouldn't touch her right now and hoped his words would stop her from walking away.

'I need time to process what you just told me Elliot,' she said flatly, while looking past him at some point in the distance.

'Let me at least drive you home.'

She nodded, still not looking at him directly.

'Have Kathleen drop Noah off when they return, okay?'

As they walked back to his car in silence Elliot just could not figure out why Liv was so upset. Was she upset? She wasn't angry. Angry he could deal with. A yelling match? Any time. But this silence? It was almost as if she wasn't even there. And what the hell happened? He had told her he loved her. He hadn't expected her to jump right into his arms, but he had expected something a little more positive. In stead, she gave him nothing. Nothing. She had shut down completely.

They did not speak in the car either until he pulled up at her building.

As she unbuckled her seat belt, he put his hand on her knee and she looked up at him.

'Tell me what's wrong Liv,' he pleaded, in once last attempt to get her to talk.

'Not now Elliot. I need time ...' Her voice was shaky and he finished her sentence for her.

'To process what I told you. I know.'

He paused.

'Can I call you?'

She looked him straight in the eye and her voice was now very clear when she said: 'No. I will call you.'

...

 **So ... next time, let's look at this lunch again from Liv's point of view ... How 'bout that explanation? Does it make sense to you? And why do you think Liv is so upset? You didn't think this was going to be easy, did you?** **Please leave a review! It keeps me inspired :)**


	21. Chapter 21: Her reaction

**The same scene from chapter 20, but now from Olivia's perspective. Why is she so upset?**

21.

It was a nice restaurant. She had never been there before, which was good because she would not have to worry about seeing anyone she knew there. They were both nervous and she kept thinking his reason for abandoning her must be really bad. Otherwise, why would he be so nervous? When he finally started talking, she was so tense that she had to place her hands op top of each other to keep them from shaking too much.

'After I shot Jenna, you know, back then ... I was really out of it. I'm sure you understand that part,' Elliot began. 'IAB came after me because it was my sixth shooting and it became clear pretty soon that I was not going to meet their demands. So I decided I was going to retire.'

She waited silently for him to continue, looking down at her hands.

'I wanna say that I'm sorry I did not discuss that decision with you.'

Well, that was a start. An apology. She looked up.

'You should have talked to me.' It came out almost a whisper and she felt a lump in her throat. She didn't want to seem weak but with him, it was different.

'I know. I'm sorry Liv. But there's more. There was a reason I couldn't face you.'

He took a deep breath and she braced herself for whatever was coming.

'When we first started working together, I saw you as my equal. We were a perfect match and we were both tough and dedicated to the job. Then, when we started to share more ... stuff, I began to see you as my friend too.'

She was a little relieved now. She had been more that just a partner to him. At least he acknowledged that.

'But over time I ... also started to notice you as a woman.'

She blinked a few times and swallowed hard. What was he trying to tell her? Her mind went blank.

'Go on,' she whispered.

'I was married and we were working together, so it was pretty clear that nothing was going to happen between us. I know you also felt that way. There was a clear line between us that could not be crossed.'

'And we didn't.' However difficult it had been for her to just keep standing on the side lines, she had done it. At least he had been part of her life. Her rock and her lifeline. Her one true friend in the world.

'No, we didn't. But I knew I would have wanted to, under different circumstances.'

Her heart was pounding so loud now that her ears were ringing. _He had wanted her ... !_ She couldn't look at him. So why the hell did he leave!

'And then the circumstances changed. I was going to retire and we would not be working together anymore. I was committed to making my marriage work and I knew I had to make a choice. The line between you and me, that had always been so clear and safe ... it was going to get blurred. And I knew that if I ever crossed it ... just once ... that I would not be able to stop myself. It would destroy both my marriage _and_ our friendship.'

Liv was beginning to feel faint. Her head was spinning. She had wanted him too. For years. He was right about that clear line between them. Couldn't it just have stayed the way it was?

He took another deep breath and continued.

'I knew I could never be just friends with you outside the job Liv.'

Breathing had become difficult for her and she felt like she was on fire on the inside. It hurt and tears began to well in her eyes.

'So I made a choice.' he concluded.

He had indeed. And he didn't choose her. He didn't want her after all.

'You cut me out of your life.' She barely managed to speak those words while a volcano of emotion erupted inside her. Feelings of rejection, self-loathing, images of her mother screaming at her with hate in her eyes, Kathy, William Lewis, faces of victims and suspects. She was hardly aware of her surroundings anymore.

He spoke again and she tried to focus.

'I couldn't betray my vows Liv. I would have betrayed myself. I had to do this to preserve myself and my family. I had to choose between them and you because ... because I love you.'

Everything went dead inside her for a few seconds. She closed her eyes but her brain refused to process what he had just said.

'Liv?'

The sound of his voice saying her name echoed in her empty brain.

She felt him touch her arm and she flinched, pulling away from him immediately as she snapped out of her empty state. She tried to catch her breath to say something.

'And now?' she asked. 'What do you want now?'

'You Liv. I want you back in my life.'

She jumped up, kicking her chair over and she almost lost her balance. She felt sick inside and needed to get away. _Now_ he wanted her? Now that his first choice was no longer available? She saw Elliot reaching for her and she pushed him away. She was almost panicking because of her lack of control and it angered her. She needed to get out and get out fast. Without a word, she stormed off to the ladies room, rushed into the first empty stall she saw and locked the door.

She was hyperventilating and she thought she was going to throw up. She didn't. Her mind was reeling. He didn't want her back then but he did now? What was she, his B choice? She had never had anyone in her life and he was just ging to move on to the next best thing? How was that fair? She felt degraded. Her mother had been right, she was always going to be second best, at most. She started to cry and once she did, she couldn't stop. All of her grief came pouring out and she was shaking violently. She closed the lid of the toilet because she needed to sit down. She couldn't make sense of what she was thinking and feeling. Part of her wantend to run back to Elliot and hide in his arms. But he was the one she was hiding from. So she just wanted to leave. She needed to be alone so she could think.

When she finally manager to calm down a little, she opened the stall door. She looked in the mirror and was shocked to see what she looked like. What he had caused her to look like! She washed her hands and decided she was not going to try and fix her makeup. There was no point. And he should see what he had done.

Elliot also looked shocked when he saw her face. She grabbed her purse from his hands and told him she wanted to go home.

'Liv, please ... talk to me.' he said softly.

'I need time to process what you just told me Elliot,' she said flatly, while looking past him at some point in the distance. She did not feel anything at the moment. She was completely numb.

'Let me at least drive you home.'

She nodded, still not looking at him directly.

'Have Kathleen drop Noah off when they return, okay?'

As they walked back to his car in silence she was aware of his confusion but she was too confused herself to talk right now. Everything he had said was going through her mind but not in the order he had said it. She needed time to make sense of it and was turning completely inward.

They did not speak in the car either until he pulled up at her building.

As she unbuckled her seat belt, he put his hand on her knee and she looked up at him.

'Tell me what's wrong Liv,' he pleaded, his blue eyes looking at her with sadness in them.

'Not now Elliot. I need time ...' Her voice was shaky and he finished her sentence for her.

'To process what I told you. I know.'

He paused.

'Can I call you?'

The wall she had built up around her was completely up. She looked him straight in the eye and her voice was now very clear when she said: 'No. I will call you.'

...

 **Do you 'get' her initial reaction? Let me know!**


	22. Chapter 22: Workout

**Thanks again to all the readers who faithfully review my chapters.**

 **I totally agree with you that Elliot leaving without talking to Liv was out of character. Unfortunately, it is a fact we were stuck with when Chris left the show ... I am trying to be creative with it so bear with me, okay? ;)**

22.

Elliot sat in the car for a while before turning on the ignition and driving back home. What the hell happened? He had never seen Liv like this. He hit the steering wheel in frustration and gritted his teeth. He had chosen his words carefully. He had rehearsed them line by line. And it had actually come out right. So he had thought, until he saw Liv's extremely emotional response. What had gotten in to her, why was she so upset? Clearly she had not expected this. But to see her run away from him with pain and anger in her eyes? That was not one of the reactions he had envisioned she might have to his admission that he loved her.

He understood her pain about the way he had left and he regretted it more than she would ever know. He had tried to convince himself that she would be better off without him. That he had held her back and that she would be able to find her own happiness once he was gone. And she deserved to be happy. But the fact is, he had been a coward. He had been afraid to see her pain then and it was coming back to haunt him now. Not bothering to contact her again had only increased her hurting and only he was to blame for that. He should have talked to her but he had been afraid. Afraid that he would not be able to go through with it. Afraid that she would have wanted him to stay. Afraid to cross that fine line between them, that they had so carefully preserved for years. He had been in a vulnerable state then and one kiss might have put him over the edge, even if it was supposed to be a kiss goodbye.

He had always been taught not to give in to temptation and to steer clear of it, if possible. And that was what he had done. In order to be able to keep his promise to Kathy, he had cut Liv out of his life. She did not know how much it had hurt him to have to do that but he gathered it had hurt her more. He would do anything to make it up to her but he was beginning to wonder if he would get that chance now.

After returning home, he decided to go to the gym and work out. Pumping iron might help to get rid of all the extra adrenaline. He was not to contact her, she had made that very clear. And he would respect that, however difficult it was.  
He didn't talk to anyone at the gym, he just kept punishing his body until all of his muscles were shaking from the strenuous exercise. Afterwards he showered and changed. He checked his messages. There was only a text from Kathleen, letting him know she would be at his house with the boys by 4.30. He went home, wondering what he would tell his daughter. He arrived before her and the boys and walked into the back yard. What was he going to do while he waited for Liv to contact him? Would she contact him at all? She did say she would call him. He needed to trust her. He paced up and down the back yard for a while, trying to steady his nerves. When he decided to go back into the house to wait for the kids, he punched the back door so hard that it cracked. He almost put a hole in it. His hand hurt like hell but he didn't care. The physical pain at least took his mind of the ache inside his chest for a few minutes.

He was just putting some ice on his bruised knuckles when Kathleen and the boys came in.

'Dad? Are you okay?' his daughter asked, a worried look on her face.

'Yeah, it isn't serious,' he said. 'How was your afternoon?'

But Kathleen didn't buy into the distraction.

'Dad!' she said more pressingly. 'What happened with Olivia? Why isn't she here and what did you do to your hand exactly?'

He did not want to explain what happened at lunch, also because he really did not know how to explain it. So he just told Kathleen that Liv had been a little upset with him and that she would be in touch.

'O my God dad, what did you do?' Kathleen asked softly.

He looked at his daughter, squinting slightly. 'Why do you assume I did something?' he asked, more harshly than he had intended.

Kathleen put her hands up defensively and muttered 'sorry' while backing off a little. Still, she had expected that Olivia and her father would have come to some sort of reconciliation today, putting the past behind them so they could move forward again. 'I assume that didn't go well then.'

Elliot shook his head and checked out his knuckles.

'So what did you hit?' Kathleen asked.

'The back door,' he answered, knowing his daughter wouldn't leave it alone unless he told her.

The children were asking for her attention so she went back to the living room, after telling him they weren't done yet and he _would_ tell her what happened at lunch. Elliot smiled. Kathleen had his temper. And he loved her all the more for it. They did not get a chance to finish their discussion and Elliot was glad. Kathleen had to take Noah home and had a dinner date afterwards. She urged him to call Liv and he said he would so she would drop the subject.

But he didn't call her. She had told him not to and he wouldn't. He just sat alone that night, drinking until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore and he fell asleep on the couch.

...

When Elliot woke up the next morning, his entire body was aching. Sleeping on the couch hadn't done his back any good and he was paying dearly for the exercise marathon of the day before. _I am really getting old_ , he thought as he stumbled upstairs to take a shower. Eli was playing in his room and Elliot tried to wake up with coffee and toast. He wasn't hungry at all but he had to eat something. He checked his phone regularly to make sure the battery wasn't empty. There were no messages and no missed calls. This was going to be a long Sunday.

...

 **Next time, back to Liv. Although I have the rest of the story basically written out now, I do use your input to do some fine tuning and to check that I am getting across what I intended. So please leave a review! It helps me decide if the next chapter is ready for publication.**


	23. Chapter 23: Untangling

**Now this was the toughest chapter to write yet. I have edited it more times than any other chapter. I hope I haven't messed it up and I hope it makes sense to you!**

23.

Liv felt sick. She couldn't eat and she couldn't sleep. She had been awake since Saturday morning. Her moods went from confusion to anger, from sadness to numbness and back again. She couldn't make heads or tails out of her emotions and she didn't feel like herself at all. For Noah's sake, she kept up a happy front. It wasn't just about her anymore and for his sake, she wanted to find her balance again soon. But she couldn't do it alone. Kathleen had tried to talk to her when she dropped Noah off that Saturday afternoon. Apparently, Elliot had already told Kathleen their lunch had not gone well but Liv did not want to talk about it with her. She didn't want to talk about it with anyone. Anyone except Dr Lindstrom, her psychiatrist. She _needed_ to talk to him.

She had called his office early on Monday morning, after dropping Noah off at day care. When his assistant told her there wasn't an opening until Wednesday, she urged her to ask Dr Lindstrom personally if she could switch someone else's appointment so he could see her right away. She was desperate. That was not something Olivia Benson was used to but it was the truth. An hour later she received a phone call. Dr Lindstrom could see her at 11.

She had taken the day off. She was in no shape to go to work after two nights of no sleep at all. She brushed right past Dr Lindstrom into his office and flopped on the comfortable chair with a heavy sigh. The psychiatrist turned around while he closed the door. He looked at her attentively.

'I was going to say good morning but I can see this morning is everything but good for you Olivia.'

She laughed out loud without smiling and put a hand on her forehead. She knew she was a mess, she hadn't even bothered to put on any makeup. Her hair was tied up loosely and she had just thrown on a pair of jeans and a grey hooded sweater over a white shirt.

'Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.'

'Well, my assistant assured me it was urgent. I figured you must have pulled your badge on her or something.'

He sat down across from her with a half-smile and a question in his eyes. She sighed. Where to begin? It had been months since her last appointment. She sighed again and sat up straight with her hands on her knees.

'Okay ...' she started. 'Here's the thing. My old partner is back. Well, he isn't back like back at work but ... we are in touch again.'

Dr Lindstrom listened while she began telling him about recent events. Once she got started, everything just came out. Her psychiatrist knew how devastated she had been when her partner had suddenly left without a word. She had shared that part with him and he had understood that they had been close friends. He had understood how she had felt betrayed when he never contacted her again. It had fueled her abandonment issues, her fear of rejection, her trust issues - basically all of her issues.  
She quickly summarized the events surrounding Kathy's death for him and then blurted out parts of what Elliot had said to her that Saturday. She was mixing things up and Dr Lindstrom asked her a few times to slow down. She was on the verge of crying in front of him, which she definitely did not want to do, when he asked her quietly:

'What is the thing that is upsetting you the most right now?'

She fell silent. That was a good question. She stared at her psychiatrist, her mouth open to speak but nothing came to mind. It was everything!

'Why don't we go over things again, but now slowly. Elliot took you out to lunch to talk. Is there anything that had you rattled before that day?'

He was forcing her to think things through. That was his job and he was good at it.

'Yeah. It looked like he was pretending that he had not ignored me for years. Like we could just pick up where we left off.'

'And why was that upsetting for you?'

'It felt like ... like my feelings didn't matter. Like I didn't matter.' Tears were welling in her eyes again and she leaned back against the back of the chair, closing her eyes for a moment.

'Do you _believe_ your feelings don't matter to Elliot?'

Another good question. And a difficult one. She used to believe he cared about her feelings, before he left her. But then he suddenly ignored her for years. So she didn't know if her feelings still mattered to him.

'I don't know,' she admitted.

'Alright, that is perfectly okay. So, the thing that upset you was that he had left without an explanation.'

'Yes.'

'You told me he gave you an explanation when he took you out to lunch.'

'Yes.'

'And you were still upset. Did the explanation upset you?'

It was actually helping to talk about this with her ever patient therapist. He was untangling the mess in her head. At first she had been upset that he did't talk to her and then when he did, she was still upset. Dr Lindstrom was right. So what had set her off?

'Yes. The explanation made things even worse.' she concluded.

'Why was it worse to know than not to know?'

She didn't know if that was really the case. Not knowing had been torture. But what _had_ set her off?

Finally she managed to put it into words: 'What hurt the most was that I have been alone all my life. He had this huge family and so many people to fall back on and I had nobody. And now he has lost his wife, and just like that he moves on to the next best thing. Me. It makes me feel so ... so ... well, it's degrading.'

She pressed her hand against her mouth to keep her lips from trembling.

'Olivia. You still haven't told me what his explanation was for leaving you along with the job.'

She stared at the Doctor. His explanation? What was it again ... how did he put it? As she was trying to remember what he had said exactly, she began to calm down a little. It was ... because he loved her? Is that what he said? She was trying to think back. How did he put it ... without the job, he could never be just friends with her because he loved her. Yes, that was what he had said. She finally let those words sink in, forgetting for a minute that Dr Lindstrom was waiting for an answer. He had wanted her and without the job, the line that had kept them from being together would get blurred ... She began to realize that he had been right about that. Her brain was finally processing this new information and she actually agreed with it. She looked up at the psychiatrist and said, as if it surprised her: 'He left because he loved me.'

Dr Lindstrom also looked surprised. This was not something she had mentioned in her initial rant.

'You will have to explain that to me,' he told her.

She was deep in thought again. 'He loved me but he could not go against his vows. He wanted to save his marriage,' she said, as if reading something from paper in stead of actually remembering it herself. 'So he had to choose and he chose his family.'

Dr Lindstrom was silent for a while. Then he asked her: 'Do you think of Elliot as being a man of his word?'

She looked up at him.

'Well, obviously. He is the most insanely faithful husband I have ever seen! He is definitely a man of his word.'

'Does that upset you?'

She let out a whistling sound, laughing as she realized what he was actually asking her. Her tears had subsided and she felt like she could finally deal with the facts again, without constantly being overwhelmed by emotion. Did it upset her that Elliot was a man of his word? Of course that, in itself, did not upset her. It was the reason she had always trusted him. He was what she called a truth-teller. He never lied - except maybe to protect her when they were still working together, but she had always known. And he always kept his promises. Including his marriage vows, even while he and Kathy were separated for a while. She knew he had made attempts to date then, but never slept with any of his dates.

'Do you still trust him?'

She hesitated. Trust was such a big issue for her. She _used_ to trust him.

Dr Lindstrom corrected himself. 'Trust is a very wide concept. I will narrow it down for you: do you trust him to tell you the truth?'

That she could confirm. He would not lie to her. Dr Lindstrom was quiet for a while, then he had another question for her.

'How does it make you feel _now_ , that he chose his family over you?'

She wanted to stay angry at Elliot. She had every right to be angry. But she was beginning to accept that she was more hurt than angry. She had been hurting ever since he left. She had forced herself to go on and be strong again and she had been strong. She had survived hell without him and she was still a good cop. In fact, she was stronger than ever before. And she was a mother. Elliot had once told her, _'Family is everything'_. She understood that more than ever now that she had a son. She never would have let Elliot leave his family for her. That was not the real issue. She asked herself, would she be willing to give up Elliot - or even her job - if that was best for Noah?

Dr Lindstrom was watching her think things through. She had not answered his question but she was getting a grip on her thoughts and emotions. She looked up at him.

'Sorry, what was the question again?'

He smiled and told her he would rather hear what she was thinking. She told him about the question she had just asked herself. Would she be willing to give up Elliot if that was best for her son? Finally, she answered her own question:

'I think I would ... but I would have told Elliot.'

That was the one thing that still hurt deeply. He hadn't replied to any of her messages. He could have just texted her to let her know about his decision to resign before she heard it from Cragen. He could have called her. He could have said goodbye.

'Olivia, I would like to summarize what we have been talking about today. Please let me know if I am missing something.' He looked at her for approval, and she nodded. She was beginning to think rationally again. A summary would be helpful.

'Your partner left his job, and you, without discussing it with you and without saying goodbye, and he never contacted you again. This was hurtful to you.' Liv nodded again and took a deep breath.

'Now, you have recently been reunited by his dying wife, who has asked you to look out for him. Correct?'

'Correct.'

'So you were reunited but due to circumstances, you did not get around to talking things through until several weeks later. While you were waiting for him to explain his actions to you, you were getting restless and wanted to back away. Correct?'

So far he was still correct.

'When he finally explained himself, you were confused.'

That was an understatement.

'And the most confusing part of his explanation was ...?'

His summary ended here and he looked at her to finish his sentence. She thought back to her breakdown in the ladies room of the restaurant. Mostly, she had felt like a second choice. Like something you order when your favourite dish isn't available. The thing you pick up just because it's there, not because you actually want it. It had made her sick. She had been sick about it all weekend. She felt calmer now and carefully put that feeling into words for the Doctor.

Dr Lindstrom was silent for a minute.

'Do you still feel that way today?' he asked.

She wasn't sure how she was feeling at the moment.

'You believe that Elliot is a truth-teller, right?' Dr Lindstrom continued. 'And he has told you that he loves you. And that he has loved you for a long time.'

Liv leaned back and closed her eyes. She whispered 'Yes.'

'And you love him.'

'Yes.'

'What do you want, Olivia?'

She opened her eyes. What did she want?

'So far, I have only heard you talk about what Elliot wants. But that really should not matter that much, remember?'

He was referring to their previous sessions, where he had tried to make her consider what _she_ needed in stead of everyone else.

'What do _you_ want, Olivia?'

She thought it over for a minute and then put it into words: she wanted to have someone who would always be there for her. Someone she could be weak with when she needed it, without feeling inferior. Someone she could get angry with and not be afraid he would walk away from her. And she wanted that someone to be Elliot. She had always wanted it to be Elliot.

'What is stopping you?'

Truth time. She knew the answer and it was time to admit it.

'I am terrified,' she whispered.

The tears were back and her lips were trembling. She hated being afraid and she usually responded to fear by lashing out at whoever was in her vicinity at the time.

'What are you afraid of?'

She sighed again and could barely keep from crying.

'I am terrified of being hurt again. I am terrified that once I let him in, he will eventually leave again. I couldn't bear to lose him again. So I might as well keep him out so he can't hurt me.'

The last few words came out as a desperate whisper.

'Doesn't it hurt to keep him out as well?'

'Yes. It does.'

'Olivia, I understand how scared you are of letting anyone get close to you because you have been hurt so many times. But you may want to think about this some more before you decide what to do. You have just told me this is the man you love, who has told you he loves you too and he is insanely faithful as you put it. And you have told me what you want.'

Then he asked her one more question:

'Do you think that what you want is worth the risk of getting hurt again?'

There was a long silence in Dr Lindstrom's office. Her brain was still processing and her heart was joining the discussion. _What do you want and what is stopping you? Is he worth the risk?_ Those were the big questions. She could finally have what she wanted but she would have to overcome her fear. She couldn't lose him again but if she didn't take a chance, she would lose him anyway. She needed to call Elliot. Today.

...

 **Mariska Hargitay on Instagram, September 2015: "What would you do if you weren't afraid? Do it."**


	24. Chapter 24: Calling Elliot

24.

Liv had hurried home after wrapping up her appointment with Dr Lindstrom. She had tried to rush out of his office but he had talked to her some more first. She needed to calm down and think about what she really wanted and what she should do about it. After she got home, she wanted to call Elliot and talk to him right away but when she passed her hallway mirror, she decided she needed to do something about her appearance first. She was feeling extremely nervous and a little excited too. They would need to talk of course. She would have to explain to Elliot why she had reacted to his confession they way she had. Being an honourable man should not be something to hold against him. But he should have talked to her. That also needed to be said. She was still afraid of what was coming, of getting hurt eventually. He had left her once and she couldn't deal with that again. He needed to know that. But after talking with Dr Lindstrom, she had decided Elliot was worth the risk. This was about getting what she wanted, despite the pain he had caused her. If she didn't take a leap of faith now, she would surely lose him again. She actually had a shot at a life with him and she smiled at the feeling of butterflies fluttering in her stomach. It had been such a long time since she felt like this!

She took a quick shower and wrapped a big white towel around herself. Se blow-dried her hair carefully before brushing it until it had the perfect shine. She applied some makeup lightly, grateful that she had never needed much of it to look fresh. She noticed the sparkle in her eyes and almost got emotional, seeing herself begin to come alive again.  
When she dropped her towel she looked at her scars. She had become used to them after all this time but it suddenly hit her that Elliot knew nothing about what had happened to her. Aside from the bruises and shallow cuts and burns that had healed over time, she also had deeper cuts and burns that had left permanent scars. She checked the lower half of her breasts - still somewhat grateful that the upper half had not been touched. Then she checked the cigarette burns between her breasts and the inside of her upper arms, the burns on her belly and on the skin so close to the most intimate part of her body. The scars had faded partially over time but they were still very visible and her skin wasn't smooth anymore. It had made her insecure about her body and she had become a lot less confident in the bedroom. What if he was disappointed about the way she looked ...

There was no time to dwell on it, she really needed to sort things out with Elliot first. She rubbed her skin with a scented oil she had used ever since the assault. She hesitated when she inspected her closet to find a suitable outfit. This talk wasn't really an occasion for a dress so she decided on black pants and a dark blue loose short-sleeved shirt with a drooping neckline. She checked her reflection in the mirror again and laughed at herself. She felt like she was getting ready for a date.

When she was finally content with her appearance, she picked up her phone. Her hands were trembling lightly when she flipped through her contacts to find Elliot's number. She checked the time before hitting 'dial'. It was just 1.30 pm. He was probably at the shelter or out with one of they boys he was counselling. She hesitated, then decided that she would call anyway. They could always agree to meet later that day.

...

Elliot managed to drag himself out of bed that Monday morning. After taking Eli to school he headed over to the shelter. Fortunately, he did not have any one-on-one appointments today. Mondays always started with a team meeting. He tried to stay in the background, unable to focus on the subject at hand anyway. One of his co-workers asked him if he was alright and he said he just hadn't slept well. His new status as a widower now helped him get him away with it. They had been very understanding and his caseload wasn't too heavy. After the team meeting they would all help the kids clean their rooms and the common areas of the building. Their housing was old but it had been renovated and was being taken care of well - also by volunteers. Elliot kept busy all morning and flopped on the couch in the living room around noon, content to see everything tidied up again and the kids being proud of themselves. Four of them were on lunch duty and were goofing off in the kitchen while preparing lunch for everyone.

His mind wandered to Liv again. He could not get the image out of his head of her big brown eyes, expressing utter confusion. He could not make sense of it. He had always been able to read her moods, more or less anyway, but this was new to him. He had been careful not to touch her but he really had wanted to take her in his arms and calm her down. To promise her everything would be alright. But Liv never seemed to want to be held. She always cried alone and made sure everyone knew she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. And she was. She was a very strong person. But even strong people need a place where they can let down their guard and just be themselves. Admitting that did not make them any less strong.  
He wondered if Liv would ever understand that. She had always been on her own and had been conditioned to believe that was the life she was supposed to live. They both had a troubled childhood but he had his family and the family ties had shaped him differently. He knew that while caring about other people provided a weak spot in his life - something that could cause the deepest hurt and worry imaginable - it was also what people are supposed to do. No one is supposed to be alone and having the support of people who love you makes you stronger, not weaker. he could only hope he would get the chance to make Liv understand this too. He was worried about her state of mind these past few days. He wanted desperately to call her but he had to respect her wishes. And so he waited.

After lunch, some of the boys asked him to join them outside to shoot some hoops and he decided that would be as good a distraction as any.

...

It was ringing. Four times already. Then she heard a click and his voice, a little out of breath. 'Liv!'

'Hi El, did I catch you at a bad time?' she asked, hoping her voice wasn't trembling too much.

'No no, it's fine. We were just shooting some hoops and ... God, I'm glad you're calling! How are you doing?'

She smiled at his spontaneous outburst as tears filled her eyes.

'I'm better now El. Can we meet?' she said softly.

'Yes, definitely! Where are you?'

'I'm home.'

'I will be over as soon as I can get out of here. Don't move!'

She laughed, and promised him she wouldn't move a muscle until he got there. She pictured him tripping over himself to get to her and felt warm inside. She was almost embarrassed now at her initial reaction to his declaration of love. Dr Lindstrom had assured her that there was nothing to be ashamed of. She carried a lot of weight around from her past and she should not blame herself for letting out her emotions. She wasn't used to letting anything out in the company of others but she was only human and sometimes it was just too much to keep in. Elliot had sounded so genuinely happy to hear from her that she was beginning to believe he would not hold it against her. Besides, she had every right to let him know he had hurt her. Showing him how she really felt - in stead of just lashing out - was new for her and it would definitely take some practice. A little hesitantly, she was starting to believe things were really going to change for the better.

...

Elliot's heart was pounding as he drove to Liv's apartment as fast as the New York traffic would allow. He couldn't wait to see her again and he didn't feel tired at all anymore. He had taken only very little time to get freshened up but was glad he had some clean shirts in his locker at the shelter. He was wearing a white button neck shirt and faded jeans. He guessed Liv was used to his casual attire by now. He had long abandoned wearing the suits he used to wear at SVU. He only wore those to more official appointments. He rushed up the stairs of her apartment building, only to discover that his condition wasn't what it used to be. He tended to forget that he was nearing the respectable age of 50. He stopped just outside her door to catch his breath and smiled at himself. He was feeling almost like a love-struck teenager. He had years and years of history with Liv but this was new territory for both of them. It was exciting and scary. Before he could knock on the door it swung open.

...

 **Please leave a review! I appreciate the feedback very much!**


	25. Chapter 25: Kiss me

**Alright, let's get to the good stuff at last! Well, at least part of it. ;)**

25.

They both froze briefly when they were suddenly face to face. Liv wasn't sure what to say and simply stepped back to give him room to enter her apartment. He walked in and waited for her to close the door. Liv hesitated but she knew she would have to start the conversation.

'El, about Saturday ...' she began but Elliot rushed over to her and placed two fingers on her lips. She shivered under his touch, which she had not expected at all.

'Liv, before you begin, please tell me we're okay.' he asked, an intense look in his eyes. 'I can't concentrate unless I know we're okay!'

She took his hand in hers and squeezed it gently.

'We'll be okay El, I promise. Just hear me out.'

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, relief written all over his face. Then he took a step back, giving her room to speak.

Liv walked over to the window. While looking outside and with her back turned to him, she started to explain quietly what had happened at lunch that Saturday. How she had only been able to focus on the rejection, on the fact that he had not chosen her back then. Her voice was trembling but she was able to form coherent sentences as long as she didn't look at him. She had gone over things with Dr Lindstrom before leaving his office but it was all still very fresh. She reminded Elliot of the rejection she had known all her life, to the point where she simply didn't expect anything else anymore. She asked him to understand that all of it had come out at once at that moment and that she knew he really did not deserve that.

'All you were doing was being true to your word.' she said. She heard him walk up to her and tensed up a little.

'Please hear me out El,' she asked, and he stopped a few feet behind her.

She turned around to face him but didn't look at him directly. She fixed her gaze on the buttons of his shirt in stead, while she continued.

'What I don't understand is why you couldn't at least pick up the phone and talk to me. We could always talk to each other and I have been wondering ever since what I did wrong for you to treat me like that ...'

Elliot took a deep breath. She could hear tears in his voice when he said: 'I was a coward Liv. I can never apologize enough for not talking to you. You _didn't_ deserve that. It was wrong. I'm sorry. If I could go back and make it right, I would. But I can't. I'm sorry.'

Part of her wanted to put her arms around him, to comfort him and let him know it would be alright. But she wasn't finished. She looked at his face briefly while she said, 'I'm sure it will come up a few more times El. We both have issues from our past and they aren't just going to go away. But we will have to deal with them if we want to move forward. But there is more ... if you can take anymore?'

He started pacing and was trying his best not to invade her personal space, however much he wanted to reach out to her right now. She turned around to face the window again, swallowing hard because of the emotional tension hanging over them.

'Please continue Liv. I want us to be okay.' His voice was deep and trembling with emotion. Liv spoke again.

'When you told me about the choice you had made, I felt ... I was upset because I am not your first choice. I had always dreamed of finding someone for who I would be the most important thing in life, not the second best solution. Every girl really wants to be a princess you know,' she said, half-smiling at him over her shoulder before turning back to the window. 'No matter how tough she pretends to be.'

Elliot couldn't listen to her putting herself down anymore and took the final steps towards her. He wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and pulled her gently against his chest. She put her hands over his instinctively. He leaned on her right shoulder with his chin and spoke softly near her ear. Liv held her breath and listened.

'Liv, you have to listen to me carefully and don't ever forget what I am going to tell you now. You are most definitely _not_ my second choice. It is just a matter of timing. My life had already been planned before you and I ever met. I assure you, and you have to believe this: if I had met you first, I would never have looked at another woman again. _Ever_. I did love Kathy and I always will. She is the mother of my children. But what I feel for _you_ ...'

He pulled her in a little closer and brushed his cheek against hers.

'It is beyond words. Don't ever think of yourself as just an extra option or as a substitute for someone else. You are _it_ for me Olivia Benson.'

Liv relaxed and leaned against her former partners chest, feeling the truth of his words wash over her like a cool shower, rinsing away the doubts and the rejection that had weighed on her so heavily. He pulled her even closer to him and placed a small kiss on her collarbone. She smiled, realizing this was the most intimate they had ever been with each other in all the years they had known each other. And it felt good.

They stood like that in silence for a short while with their eyes closed, just enjoying being so close to each other. Elliot had noticed how Liv had relaxed in his arms but she was beginning to stir a little bit and he wondered if she was going to pull away again. But she quickly turned around before he could let go of her and placed her hands on his hips.

'Hi,' she whispered, looking deep into his eyes.

'Hi,' he whispered back and they both smiled. He leaned his forehead against hers and moved his hands up and down her back.

'You know,' Liv said. 'My psychiatrist asked me what I wanted.'

'You talked about this with your shrink?'

'Yeah ... I was a mess El. I didn't know where else to turn.'

He continued stroking her back while they spoke softly, their foreheads glued together.

'So what did you tell him? What do you want?'

She laughed and he felt a shiver down his spine.

"I am scared to death El ... but I told him that I wanted a certain insanely faithful husband that I know to be mine!'

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. 'Liv ... you got him. I will never leave you again.'

She smiled and a few deardrops found their way down her cheeks. He wiped them away with his thumbs and looked into her eyes while he held her face in his hands.

Their eyes remained locked while she told him, 'You may have to tell me that a few times more before I stop being scared El. But for now, it's all I needed to hear.'

He smiled too and saw himself reflected in her eyes. So close ... He hesitated. Now what? This was new territory for him and he wasn't sure what Liv was expecting him to do right now.

'So, are you going to kiss me or not?'

Now he knew.

He was almost shocked but he should have known. Liv wasn't a shy person. Her eyes were darker now than he had ever seen them. He could get lost in those eyes ... She tilted her head slightly and he moved in to kiss her very softly on the lips while closing his eyes. He let out a shaky sigh and smiled. Then he felt her lips on his again, much firmer than he had dared to kiss her. She was soft and strong at the same time and he responded with the same force. She really was his mirror image and he felt a passion course through his body that he had never felt before. As their kiss deepened Liv pushed him against the back of the couch. It gave them some much needed support as they continued exploring each other's mouths and bodies. He pulled her in even closer, almost crushing her but she did not seem to notice or to mind. Her hands ran down his back and his ass and back up again. He couldn't get enough of her lips, her tongue, her taste, her smell, her body pressed against his and the way she was touching him ...

When they finally broke off the kiss to catch their breath, she had a dazed expression on her face. It took a while before she could speak again and she just leaned against him, her head resting on his shoulder. Then she said: 'You were right Stabler. We would never have been able to stop ourselves,' reminding him of what he had told her at the restaurant two days ago. They both laughed and hugged each other tenderly.

'I could get used to this,' Liv whispered in his ear, as a single tear trickled down her cheek.

'Me too,' he admitted and he gently kissed the tear away.

'I love you, Elliot.'

'I love you, Olivia.'

Almost as if on cue, Elliot's phone beeped three times, reminding him that it was almost time to pick up Eli from school. He looked at Liv, sorry to have to break up the intimate moment.

'You wanna come?' he asked her. She nodded, giving him a beautiful smile. He suggested she pack a few things for herself and Noah.

'You know, just in case,' he said, trying not to make it sound too suggestive. He noticed a very brief hesitation in her eyes but it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. She just smiled at him again and poked him gently in the shoulder with her first.

'Right, just in case,' she said, a lot more suggestively than he had. She walked to her bedroom to get a few things and Elliot sat down on the couch. _Wow_ , he thought. _Just, wow._

 _..._

 **Let me know if you liked this chapter! Just t** **wo more chapters to go ...**


	26. Chapter 26: Safe

**Usually, 10 reviews or more are enough incentive for me to upload the next chapter. This time, I waited a day longer - my way of being silent to remember the victims of the terrorist attacks on the US 14 years ago. The whole world has never been the same since.**

 **Having said that, let's see how our favorite couple is doing after that first kiss ...**

26.

After picking Eli up from school, they went to Elliot's house. Liv's body was beginning to protest against being awake for three days straight and Elliot suggested that she take a nap before picking up Noah at day care. She was still reeling a little from all the events of the day – and especially the passionate kissing with Elliot – and agreed. She hesitated before walking upstairs. Elliot must have guessed what she was thinking and told her: 'You can crash in my bedroom if you want.' She was probably looking at him strangely because he immediately added: 'I will leave you alone, promise.' She laughed, not sure if she really wanted to be left alone, and headed upstairs.

He came up to wake her around 5 pm and she realized she had been sleeping like a baby for well over an hour. She stretched while getting up, only to be pulled in by Elliot for another kiss. She could definitely get used to this. He was surprisingly gentle with her, she thought while enjoying being held by him. Goosebumps formed all over her body as he placed small kisses on her neck and behind her ear. She giggled and he laughed out loud because he loved the sound of Olivia Benson giggling. She felt so at home in his arms and just held on to him as he caressed her back and messed up her hair while kissing her nose, her eyelids and her cheeks, and then her neck and her collarbone again. Part of her had wondered, once they would finally give in to the physical attraction, if they would wind up in bed together right away. She noticed she was actually relieved that they had not moved _that_ fast. Not that she didn't want it to happen. She _so_ wanted it to happen. She was just hesitant because of the scars.

She wanted to tell Elliot about her scars before he discovered them on his own. Maybe they would disgust him. She would never forget the look on Brian's face when he had first seen her battered body. She had never let him look at her again and they had only had sex in the dark after that. After breaking up with Brian, she had not dated again. So in more than one way this was new territory for her.

Elliot felt Liv tense up a little in his arms and looked at her face.

'What are you thinking?' he asked, still a little worried that she might change her mind.

'Nothing,' she said quickly, 'I just need to get going.'

'You are coming back here with Noah, right?'

'Well of course I am! Did you think I would just go straight home?'

He leaned against her forehead with his and admitted: 'I guess I am still wondering if this is all a dream.'

She smiled her beautiful smile at him and kissed him softly on the lips.

'If this is a dream, then I don't want to wake up.'

...

Eli was slightly disappointed when Liv told him Noah would be taking a nap after they got there but she assured him he would be ready to play after dinner. Elliot had started to make dinner and Liv felt so much at home here now, that it moved her to tears. She had always longed for a family of her own and it was almost as if an instant family was presented to her. And she was with Elliot now ...

After putting Noah down she stayed upstairs a little longer, just watching her little boy sleep. It gave her a chance to think things over quietly. She couldn't believe how rejected she had felt while Elliot was admitting to her that he had loved her for years. Was she really that messed up? Would she be able to settle into a life with Elliot or would her insecurities get the better of her? Would she allow herself to be loved? Would she be able to maintain a relationship? She smiled when she realized that Elliot was _still_ the longest relationship she had ever had with a man. He had put up with her for years and he still wanted to be with her. And she still wanted to be with him, this stubburn hothead who just wouldn't let go once he had latched on to something. And now he had latched on to her.

Had she forgiven him for leaving her behind? She wasn't sure that she needed to forgive him for that now. He did apologize for not responding to at least one of her many voicemails and texts but she was trying to understand. The intensity of their relationship – _whatever it was_ – had been too much for him under the circumstances. He could have contacted her afterwards but she was trying to see things from his perspective now and thought that she might have found it difficult too. And even so, wasn't he entitled to make mistakes, just like everyone else?  
When she finally came down, Elliot was putting dinner on the table. He turned around and smiled widely when he saw her approaching. She put her hand on his back while checking out the food on the table. It was fish, potatoes and grilled vegetables and it smelled great.

'You like?' Elliot asked while wrapping his arms around her waist.

'I like,' she confirmed.

Eli was already seated and they joined him, wondering if Eli would notice the change in their behavior. He did not seem to notice, or he simply didn't care. He was just eager to eat. Liv set aside some food for Noah, that she would give him later.

...

Later that night the kids were both sleeping and the adults were watching some TV. They were lying on the couch together, Elliot with one arm around Liv, and Liv's head resting on his chest.

'This is nice,' Liv said.

Elliot kissed her on the forehead.

'It sure is.'

'Do you think Kathy would approve? You know ... of us?'

She had been wondering about that for a while now because Kathy had been the one to get her back here.

'I know she does,' Elliot said without hesitation.

Liv got up a little on one elbow to look at him. 'How do you know that?'

'Because she told me. She literally told me on the day she died that you and I have her blessing. She knew I loved you and that is why she asked for you.'

Liv rested her head on his chest again.

'She loved you very much.'

'I know. I couldn't leave her. You understand, don't you Liv?'

He placed another kiss on her forehead. She understood. They watched some TV in silence for a while, both content with just being together.

'El?'

'Hmm?'

'When did you realize you loved me?'

Elliot leaned back with his head on the armrest of the couch, closing his eyes to remember.

'I think the first time I actually admitted it to myself was when you were almost killed by Gitano at the train station.'

She remembered that day well. It was the day they had almost lost each other and the day she had asked for a new partner.

'But when I started thinking about it, I had 'feelings' for you before that. We would get into these huge fights over cases and I found myself enjoying that a little too much.' He grinned. 'It was actually kind of exciting sometimes ...'

She poked him in the shoulder with her fist but she was laughing as well.

'You never told me that!'

He lifted his head to look at her, a shocked look on his face.

'Are you kidding me! Why on earth would I have told you that? You would have bit my head off!'

She started tickling him and he shot up to return the favor. Pretty soon they had fallen off the couch and Elliot was lying on top of her, his face just inches away from hers.

'Your turn,' he said. 'When did you know?'

She knew exactly when she had admitted it to herself.

'When you started showing an interest in Rebecca Hendrix.'

'What?!'

He sat up on the floor, pulling her up beside him and looked at her with a mixture of pleasure and surpise in his eyes. She sighed and leaned against the couch.

'Yeah ... I was actually jealous of her.'

Elliot was stunned. That was ages ago, when he and Kathy had just separated. But they had gotten back together. As if reading his mind, Liv explained further.

'You know, Kathy and your kids were a given. They belonged with you. And I was your partner so I also belonged with you. When you started noticing Rebecca, I suddenly felt like no one else should join in. She didn't belong with you and I wanted nobody else anywhere near you. Does that sound stupid?'

He smiled and leaned over to her, taking her face in his hands.

'That doesn't sound stupid at all. It's sweet.'

He kissed her and she pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around his neck.

With her lips still brushing his lightly, she said: 'You wouldn't have found it sweet back then. You were always angry with me.'

He moved away just enough so he could look into her eyes.

'Liv, I wasn't angry with you. I was mostly angry with myself and with the world, and I probably took it out on you because ... because I felt safe with you.'

'And I felt safe with you,' she said softly, leaning her forehead against his shoulder.

'I am so sorry Liv.'

She looked up and saw that he had tears in his eyes.

'I should never have left you alone like that.'

Liv put her hand on his cheek and seeing the hurt in his eyes made her heart go out to him.

'That's in the past El,' she said softly. 'This is now.'

He kissed her again, more urgently this time and he pulled her up and over him on his lap, so she sat with one knee on either side of him.

'Then why don't we make the most of now?' he said, and he placed a kiss on her collarbone while runing his hands across her back and her ass.

Liv pulled back and Elliot was surprised to see such a sudden mood shift. She frowned and sat down beside him on the floor again. He tilted his head and looked at her, a question in his eyes.

'What's wrong Liv?'

She paused and Elliot got a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Why was she moving away from him again?

'El, I need to tell you something.'

...

 **One more chapter to go! I love getting reviews!**


	27. Chapter 27: Home

**This is the final chapter!**

 **I understand that some of you are sorry to see it end but I couldn't drag it out too much after getting them together at last. Please feel free to imagine all kinds of stuff happening after this chapter :)**

 **Now let's see how this story ends for now.**

27.

Elliot looked at his former partner as she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. There was something on her mind and it was important. He could gather that much. He was apprehensive. What could it be now?

'What is it Liv? Tell me.'

She looked at him and looked away again. The TV was still on and provided a brief distraction. Then she began to speak softly.

'El. While you were ... away,' she looked at him again and quickly averted her eyes, 'something happened to me.'

His heart started pounding faster as he immediately remembered the news items about her abduction. Had she been raped? He held his breath while Liv continued.

'About two and a half years ago, we caught a perp who kept finding loopholes in the system. But we knew he was a monster. He was a sadistical rapist and a murderer. I must have set him off during interrogation because when he got out on bail, he broke into my apartment and ... he kidnapped me.'

Elliot wasn't sure he wanted to know where this was going. He put a hand on her shoulder and she took another deep breath.

'Did he ... did he rape you Liv?' he managed to ask her, fearing for the worst.

She looked at him and the sadness in her eyes struck him deeply.

'No, he didn't,' she whispered, not breaking their eye contact. 'Not physically.'

Elliot wasn't sure which answer would have upset him more. She was so incredibly sad.

'He was very cruel and he was into torture. We had seen it in several crime scenes and he made sure I knew he was going to do it to me too. And he did.'

She swallowed hard and Elliot pulled her close to him. But she gestured that she wanted to finish first and he gave her some room.

'El, I have scars. A lot of them.' Her voice was trembling and she looked at her hands, almost as if she was afraid he would turn away from her. He was wondering if the scars were really the most upsetting part of it all for her. She must have gone through hell but she had seemed herself to him these past weeks. Beautiful and strong, just like he had always known her.

Then she said, 'I will understand if you don't want to look at me ...'

Elliot couldn't believe what he was hearing.

'What?!'

She looked up, a little startled, and what he saw in her eyes shocked him.

She was afraid.

He had to make an effort to control the enormous surge of anger inside him. What the hell had this freak done to her to make her like this? To make her shrink in front of him, ashamed of her own body?  
She tried to turn away from him and he realized that she probably thought, by the look on his face, that he was upset about the scars. But he honestly did not care. Yes, he cared about her getting hurt like that but it made absolutely no difference in what he felt for her. He sat up on his knees and put his hands on her shoulders, turning her around to face him. She had her eyes closed and he couldn't believe that this was his fierce, independant and dedicated Liv.

'Liv, look at me,' he said urgently. She opened her eyes and looked into his. She was trying not to cry and he chose his words carefully.

'Do you think I will feel any differently about you because you have scars? Do you think I fell in love with your body? Don't you know by now what a wonderful person you are?'

She didn't. Not really. She had been told from a very early age that she was worthless and that she never should have existed, and she had never been able to accept a compliment. She had made it her life's work to let others know that _they_ mattered and were not worthless but she herself still had not healed completely. She was better than she used to be but do you ever really get over such a traumatic childhood?

Elliot was still looking at her intensely but she didn't answer his question.

'Show me.'

She flinched. Show him?

'I mean it Liv. Show me your scars and I will prove to you that I will still love you and I will always want to see you. All of you.'

She realized that there was absolutely no sexual connotation to his words. He meant all of _her_ , all of who she was.

She relaxed a little bit and smiled briefly at Elliot. He let go of her shoulders and she got up to sit down on the couch in stead of the floor. Elliot remained seated on the floor, kneeling in front of her, his hands resting lightly on her thighs.

'Don't be afraid Liv,' he said softly. 'Not of me.'

His blue eyes and his warm hands made her feel somewhat safe and she smiled again. So now she was supposed to take her clothes off? Just like that? She put her hands over his and started to feel nervous in a new way.

'You know,' she said, 'I always thought that once we would ... be together, we would be ripping each others' clothes off. I didn't imagine anything like this.'

He was very surprised at her comment and laughed.

'You've been thinking about that?'

Of course she had. She had for years. 'You know that perfectly well!' she told him, unable to suppress a wide smile. 'And so have you!'

'Alright. Well, we will get to the clothes ripping another time, okay?'

She laughed as well and managed to relax some more. She looked into his bright blue eyes while reaching for the hem of her shirt. She pulled it up and over her head in one movement and shook her hair while Elliot took in what he was seeing. His eyes had gone wide and she realized he was not looking at the scars just above the belt of her pants at all. He wasn't looking at the cigarette burns on her arms or the ones between her breasts that were visible while she had her bra on. He was looking at her face.

'What?' she asked.

'God, you are so beautiful,' he sighed.

She shook her head but could not help smiling widely again.

'Sheesh, don't go corny on me El. Just look.'

He finally looked at her body and checked out the scarred tissue. He leaned in and placed a very soft kiss on each of the spots he could see where she had been hurt. The anger about someone hurting her was still there, but he knew she did not need his anger now. She needed love.

He looked up, a question in his eyes. She felt shivers going through her body at his soft touch on her skin. She knew he was asking her, without words, to show him more. She was still terrified but she knew she had to risk it. She reached for the clasp of her black bra, wich was conveniently in the front. She could see him holding his breath while she unhooked her bra and let it fall open. She closed her eyes, not wanting to see the horror on his face when he would see how her once perfect breasts had been mutilated. She felt him moving and did not dare open her eyes. Then she felt his hands around her bare waist and his breath on her right breast. Her eyes flew open and she saw him placing a gentle kiss on one of the burns on her breast. She had lost sensation in parts of her skin there but she could feel his warmth and she shivered again. Instinctively, she sat up straight and reached for his shoulders. She held on to him while he continued to trace her scars with his lips. It wasn't just soothing but also increasingly exciting. She closed her eyes again and was beginning to enjoy his kisses, almost forgetting that he was seeing her scars now. It wasn't uncomfortable at all to show him her body. It felt so natural. He had moved to her left breast and his hand rested against the side of it. If she could only will his hand to move across it ... A desire was rising up in her and she could feel Elliot trembling as well. She wanted him to touch her everywhere and she wanted to touch him too.

But he had not finished kissing her scars and burns.

'Are there more?' he asked. His voice sounded raw and he was clearly affected by what he was doing; by her. He looked up and her eyes met his gaze. He was so incredibly tender, she had not expected that from him at all. She nodded, a little shy again.

'Lower.'

He looked at her pants and she nodded again, biting her lower lip and leaning back to give him better access.

He unbuckled her belt and she held her breath while he unzipped her pants and pulled the fabric aside gently.

'How much lower?'

'Just a little bit.'

He moved her black panties down about two inches and saw more burn marks. Some looked like keys and he realized that was probably what that monster had used. His anger flared up but he managed to ask somewhat calmly:

'He is dead, right?'

'Yes, he is,' she replied.

'Good. Because if he was still alive I would go find him and break every bone in his body!' he growled, barely able to contain his rage for a moment.

Liv laughed softly and he looked up with surprise. He calmed down immediately, seeing her smile at him. She put a hand to his cheek and said, 'Do you know I actually told him you would do that?'

He sat up to put his hands around her waist again.

'Really?'

'Really,' she whispered and she leaned down to kiss him softly on his lips.

He swallowed hard, trying not to stare at her breasts that were moving with her.

'You were actually thinking about me when you were with this creep?'

'Yeah, I was. I have missed you so much El.'

Her last words came out as a whisper and Elliot got up quickly, pulling her up as well and pulling her close to him. He caressed her bare back and kissed her neck and could not hide his arousal from her anymore.

'I have an idea,' he whispered in her ear.

'Why don't we go upstairs and I will check out the rest of your scars and then the rest of your beautiful body.'

She hid her blushing face in the crook of his neck and kissed his skin softly.

'I think I would like that.'

They reached Elliot's bedroom in record time but Elliot did not want to rush. First, he gave his full attention to the last scars he had not kissed yet while getting rid of the rest of her clothes. Liv's insecurity about her body had all but evaporated so that mission had been accomplished. Then he got up to take off his shirt. He looked at her lying on his bed completely naked and he held his breath briefly while taking in the beautiful sight before him. Liv was a lot of woman ... and while he did not want to compare her to the only woman he had ever been with before, the contrast was inescapable. Liv's utterly feminine figure made him swallow hard and she smiled at him, obviously aware that he liked what he was seeing.

'El, come on ...' she pleaded. 'Don't leave me hanging here.'

She was watching his every move and was beginning to get a little impatient with him. Some of her old confidence seemed to be returning. She had seen him take off his shirt many times and she finally wanted to touch him. He gladly obliged her. Her heart was racing as she let her hands roam across his muscular chest and arms. He buried his face in her hair when she pulled him close against her naked body. She couldn't believe how completely at ease she was with him now and how lovingly he had kissed away her insecurities.

As they explored each other without inhibitions for the very first time, they poured out all of their love and passion for each other and discovered that they were once again competely in sync. They didn't need words to express their love for each other or to understand what they both needed.

...

 _They found each other that night and they also found themselves. Elliot, who had never been afraid of commitment, knew he would do anything for Liv and he would never leave her side again. Liv, who had always been afraid of commitment, discovered for the first time in her life what the difference was between having sex and making love. She cried in his arms and he just held her tight. She had finally come home._

 **THE END**

...

 **Epilogue, September 2015.**

I actually cried myself when I wrote the last few lines of this chapter.

This wasn't about sex, only love. It was kind of exciting though, wasn't it?

I don't know if there will be some kind of sequel to this story, or maybe a completely different story. While I think about it I will be around, reading the other E/O stories on this website. Want to be the first to know if/when I post another story? Follow me :)

A few recommendations:

\- if you prefer Kathy to be a bitch: check out Lunacy by Kilea08  
\- if you prefer Elliot to be completely innocent of his long absence: check out 2015 by Kattella07  
\- if you prefer a long and happy, sexy relationship between El and Liv: check out Prey by The Congressman or The In Betweens by poetif  
\- if you want something really original: check out Revival by Stabson

 **A big thank you to: The Congressman, nourseholly, ragdolly216, spacekitten2700, FicFriend, Roanie123, BensidyBensler, iluvcalzona4eva, SVUlover13, Noah4015 & Bensler and Dawsey 4ever for reviewing regularly. Your reviews helped me to decide on many details in this story.**

Thank you all for reading and reviewing my debut!

OEB


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